Page 89 of Velveteen vs. The Consequences of Her Actions

“Um, ew,” said Velveteen. She paused. “Wait. What do you mean, ‘better world to come’? I thought your whole thing was trying to devolve the world. Have you changed plans again? Is this going to come with another name change? Because ‘Doctor Darwin’ is awful, but it’s so much better than ‘Doctor Dodo.’ I really recommend against another amateur rebranding. I’m saying this as a friend. And as one of the people who keeps fighting you. I look bad when my supervillains look this…you know, when they look like you.”

“Your insolence, too, will be corrected in the world to come.” Doctor Darwin leaned over her, a pleasant smile on his round face. “You are a very pretty example of your breed. I do hope that as the world settles into its new form, it will choose to retain you. But I assure you, I have done nothing untoward. You were redressed by my nanobots. I thought it was only right for you to meet your end dressed for battle.”

“Considerate,” said Velveteen. “You know what would be even more considerate? Letting me punch you in the face. That would be the absolute height of manners.”

“Tempting, but no.” Doctor Darwin began affixing sensors to the sides of her face. “You can ask me what I’m doing, if you would like.”

Velveteen, who had encountered Doctor Darwin more times than she cared to consider, barely managed to suppress the urge to roll her eyes. If she didn’t ask, he would tell her anyway, but sullenly, like she had done something wrong. Since getting him to monologue was one of the best ways to find a way out of his death traps and science schemes, it fell on her to give him what he wanted.

“Gosh, Mr. Scientist,” she said, making her eyes wide and glossy. “Do you want to explain some big science words to little ol’ me so I can see how smart and awesome you are?”

“Sarcasm does not befit you,” he said. “But yes. I do. You should know what purpose you serve. You, Velveteen, have been afforded a rare and precious commodity: the opportunity to travel between worlds.”

Velveteen blinked. “Uh, what?” she said. “That’s not a rare and precious commodity. That’s like, one of the first things that happens to any trainee hero. You get a bad photo op, you meet your evil double, you travel to a parallel world. That’s like saying I’ve been afforded a rare and precious commodity: a hangnail. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Ordinary parallel worlds are one thing,” said Doctor Darwin. “You have crossed into the palaces of creation itself.”

“Oh,” said Velveteen. “You mean the Seasonal Lands.”

“Of course I mean the Seasonal Lands,” snapped Doctor Darwin. “What else would I have meant?”

“I don’t know. Lots of places. I went to one parallel world where you shot me with a giant ray gun.” Velveteen’s expression turned thoughtful. “I still haven’t punched any version of you for that.”

Doctor Darwin had been in the supervillainy business long enough to look faintly unsettled and move a little further down the table, away from any potential punching. (Yes, Velveteen was quite well secured, and yes, he had tested the straps himself, but reality sometimes seemed to have a sense of humor in moments like this one, and he’d seen superheroes break their bonds in impossible ways when it meant they could follow the action by breaking a villain’s jaw.)

“Punishing people for something they did in another reality isn’t very heroic,” he said, in the sternest tone he could manage. “I’m sure there are realities where you’re a villain.”

“Dozens of them,” Velveteen agreed, still with that thoughtful look on her face. “It sort of seems like I’m a villain more often than I’m a hero. I’ve been thinking of rebranding.”

Doctor Darwin paused. “All right,” he said, finally. “Is this a bad time for my brilliant plan? Because you seem far more interested in unnerving me than you are in either bombastic shouting or quailing in fear.”

“Are you really criticizing the quality of my damsel in distress behavior?” asked Velveteen. “You kidnapped me from my bedroom. You’d better not have broken anything.”

“I’ll pay for the window,” muttered Doctor Darwin. Velveteen glared. He winced. “In cash, so it won’t affect your homeowner’s insurance.”

“Thank you,” she said primly. “Now untie me and we need never speak of this again.”

“Ah,” said Doctor Darwin. “No. I’m afraid not.”

“Excuse me?”

“I can’t release you until I get what I came for. You carry prisoned in your flesh the very energies of creation. With them, I can rewind the calendar, remake humanity as it was always meant to be! Peaceful, powerful, pinioned⁠—”

“Wait, wait, wait,” interrupted Velveteen. “Are you still on that whole ‘birds’ angle? As in you think that when the world corrects itself, it’s going to turn us all into weird dino-people with fluffy feathers? I thought you got over that when you stopped calling yourself ‘Doctor Dodo.’”

“As you said, sometimes a little rebranding is necessary,” said Doctor Darwin. “I wanted to be taken seriously.”

“Charles Darwin was a real person, though. I’m pretty sure he was a doctor, too. So it’s sort of like you decided your supervillain identity was like, evil Mr. Rogers.” Velveteen wrinkled her nose. “If I ever met anyone calling themselves evil Mr. Rogers, I would pound their ass so far into the pavement that they’d be able to do geology by sneezing.”

“Anatomically horrifying as that sentence is, I assure you the villain community would do its best to assist you,” said Doctor Darwin. “We have standards. Families. Children who deserve to enjoy Mr. Rogers without hearing on the news that he just robbed a bank in downtown Poughkeepsie. But I feel as if we’re getting off the topic.”

“The topic of you tying me to this table and then using some sort of creepy machine to extract a ‘rare and precious commodity’ from my body, whether I like it or not.”

“Yes.”

“How long have you had the house under surveillance? I mean, it’s pretty clear you’ve been planning this for a while. I can’t find anything with a face in this lab, and I’m reaching as far as I can.”

“Or as far as you can without being put under extreme stress,” said Doctor Darwin. He smirked at Velveteen’s startled expression. “I did my homework. No one is sure of your exact daily range, but I know you’ve summoned toys from miles around when under sufficient duress. I have no interest in causing you that much trauma, in large part because I wouldn’t survive the aftermath. I’ve been watching your residence since your return from the Seasonal Lands.”