Page 67 of Marriage and the Midlife Crisis

“I tried, Ryan. I gave you time, hoping you would work it out of your system and come to your senses. Then I tried to reason with you, and when that didn’t work, I got angry with you. When that didn’t work, I begged you. When that didn’t work, I didn’t know what the hell else to do other than to give you an ultimatum, and I was terrified that if I asked you to choose between me and Mitch, you wouldn’t choose me!”

She burst into tears and instinct had me reaching for her. To my shock, she didn’t pull away. She sobbed against my chest, and my heart broke all over again that I had done this to her. I curled myself around her and rested my cheek on the top of her head. Tears trickled down my face unchecked as I closed my eyes and tried to absorb every ounce of her pain.

After several long minutes, she pushed me away and reached for the box of tissues. I grabbed one for myself as she wiped her face and blew her nose. I looked up to find Kim watching us both, her expression sympathetic.

Once we’d both composed ourselves, Kim asked if we were all right to continue. We both nodded, and she asked me what I would have said if Melanie had indeed given me an ultimatum.

“Would you have chosen her?”

“Absolutely. I would have been shocked by the question, but there is no doubt in my mind that I would have chosen her.”

“Why do you think there was doubt in Melanie’s mind?”

That answer was obvious, but I said it anyway. “Because of my actions. Because I had spent months – hell, over a year – putting myself, Mitch, and everything else over her. I swear I didn’t realize at the time that I was doing that.”

“Melanie, do you think you could have tried any harder?” Again, Kim’s face was neutral, and although there was no judgement in her tone, I was offended on Mel’s behalf.

“This isn’t on Mel. She did everything she could. This is my fault.”

Kim’s eyes flicked to me, and I wasn’t sure if I imagined the faintest glimpse of approval before she looked back at Melanie.

“I let him get away with it for too long, and then I gave up too soon,” Melanie whispered, and I whipped my head to look at her in astonishment.

“No, that’s not –“

Melanie held her hand up to stop my protest. “I should have said something sooner, instead of hoping you would work it out of your system. I should have pushed harder for grief counseling. I should have stood up for myself, and for our sons much more than I did.”

“Stop,” I pleaded. “Maybe some of that is true, but the bottom line is, you did say something. You tried to tell me, and I didn’t listen, or at least didn’t take it seriously.”

“Is it possible that you’re both right?” There was Kim, trying to be the voice of reason again. Only this time, I didn’t agree with her.

“Hear me out,” she requested, clearly reading the expression on my face.

“Melanie, you gave me permission to share our solo session with Ryan, so I’d like to tell him what I observed, if that’s OK?”

Melanie motioned for her to proceed, and Kim gave her a reassuring smile.

“At our first session, I asked Melanie to tell me about herself. Everything she initially told me was about her in relation to other people, other things. She’s a mom, she’s a wife, and she’s an interior design assistant. When I asked her about her personality, we determined that she’s a people pleaser and tends to do things to keep the peace. Would you say that those two traits are accurate?”

I only had to think about it for a second. “Yes. Melanie always makes things better for everyone around her.”

“To the detriment of herself?”

I glanced at Mel, who was picking at the sleeve of her sweater and staring at the coffee table in front of us.

“Yes, at times. More often than she should.”

“That was our conclusion as well. I explained to her that consistently putting her own needs and wants last – mothers in particular tend to do that – is detrimental because you’ve made yourself smaller in order to build others up. You become an unhappier, unfulfilled version of yourself, and that’s a situation that fosters resentment and anger over time. It’s OK to be selfish once in a while – for you and for Melanie. It’s OK to put yourself, and your wants and needs first sometimes. The key is balance, which is what you two didn’t have. Communicating your needs to your partner is also vital, as is putting boundaries in place so that both you and your partner know when it’s time to make a change.”

“I’d like to work on that,” Melanie said, still picking at a string on the hem of her sleeve. “I feel as if I’ve become a doormat, and I let you walk all over me. I can’t stand it when I see others doing it, and I didn’t recognize that I was doing the same thing. That’s not me. That’s never been me, and I hate that I’ve become this spineless excuse for a woman.”

“The fuck you are. You are the strongest, most determined person I know – male or female,” I swore harshly.

Kim was a little more refined with her objection. “I don’t believe you’re spineless at all. This is an isolated reaction to a series of changes in your marriage. It doesn’t define you, just as Ryan’s behavior during that time doesn’t define him. I don’t think either of you have changed who you are at your core, and I also believe that you can both rediscover your best selves. You’ve already started that process by coming here, and by being honest with each other even though it involves some difficult and painful conversations.”

“So, what now. How do we fix this?” My voice was strained with the emotions consuming me.

“We rebuild the foundation,” Kim said. She exuded a calm confidence, and I could only hope her optimism wasn’t misplaced. “One cornerstone of that foundation is love, which I believe you two still have for each other. Another is respect, which may need to be rediscovered, but again, I believe still exists. That leaves communication and balance. That’s where our focus is needed the most. If you both agree, that’s how we will proceed. We’ll rebuild the foundation, it will be stronger and even more solid than before, and you’ll have the skills and tools to maintain it moving forward”