Page 117 of The Love Operation

I say nothing. I’m not even sure how I feel.

“You said you wanted to be honest with me,” he says gently. “And I appreciate that. But you need to be honest with yourself.”

His words are tender, but they send an odd sensation throughout my body. I don’t think he means it like this, but they sound slightly patronizing, like I don’t know my own mind, like I’m denying my feelings.

Maybe I have denied a lot in the past several days, but I’m aware that I still have feelings for Benedict Calder. I’ve been denying them because that’s the only way I’ve known to keep moving forward. The more you tell yourself something, the more you believe it, and I don’t want to have feelings for him. Those feelings haven’t helped me. They haven’t healed me. They’ve only ever held me back, possibly in ways I haven’t fully comprehended.

But this isn’t just about honesty. It’s about understanding why people leave me when I don’t see it coming and why Benedict is now telling me he never stopped loving me, when I walked away believing he had.

Isaac has given me his heart in a way that feels different from everything I’ve known, and I’m hurting him because I’m still tangled in feelings for Benedict. I need to understand the disconnect between then and now, so I can finally reconcile it and stop letting old ghosts ruin something good. And I can because I have the ability to revisit every memory with perfect clarity.

Despite the pain I know I’ll face, I need to see what I’ve missed and confront the truth. Then I can finally let go and move forward.

I’m not convinced Isaac actually wiped a tear from my cheek. If he did, it’s gone now, dried by the same force that’s gotten me through everything else: determination and persistence.

I know my mind. And now I’ll know my past. Without distortion. Without doubt.

“I know how to fix this,” I tell Isaac.

He looks up, surprised and a little wary.

I start to leave the kitchen, then pause and turn back. “I love you. I do. But I am not like the other women in your life, and I will not continue to apologize for needing answers.”

Something in him shifts. He nods. “Okay. Then I’ll be here. But I’m going to give you some space to figure it out.”

“That’s where I should’ve started.”

And that’s where I’m heading.

Chapter 29

How It Ended with the Corporate Lawyer

Mom: Dinner at 6:00pm. Can’t wait to see everyone.

Dad: I’m making beef stroganoff with my famous maple bacon Brussels, and your mom’s making carrot cake.

Maggie: !! What’s the special occasion? Because if there’s carrot cake, I really want to wear my yoga pants.

Everett: 500k social media followers. #trending #yum

Dad: No special occasion. It’s just been a while since we’ve all been together. Yoga pants allowed.

Everett: Well, I’m getting my nails done for it. Eva’s pretty fragile since we lost BunBun, so I’m letting her give me a makeover. I might be wearing a tuxedo. Or a dress. Whatever she wants. This is serious.

Dad: I told you to get a second BunBun to stash in the closet.

Everett: We did! She screamed “That’s not BunBun!”, looked at me like I was a monster, then ran to her room sobbing. The makeover was the only thing that got her out.

Mom: Should I cancel the carrot cake? It was BunBun’s favorite. Might trigger something.

Dad: Permanent psychological damage. She’d need therapy. No carrot cake.

Maggie: I might need therapy if there’s no carrot cake. I’ve already promised my stomach and my pants we were having some.

Everett: They literally just told you.

Maggie: Can we just take turns sneaking into the pantry and eating it without Eva noticing?