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His quiet, ‘Perhaps some kind of counselling work, something where you would be able to help others,’ surprised her with its astuteness, and she flushed slightly as he smiled at her and told her that he suspected she would be particularly well suited to that kind of work.
At no time during their lunch had Adam said or done anything to suggest that he had any kind of personal or sexual interest in her, and then she had been relieved that this should be the case.
Then?
When was it that she had started, instead of being grateful and relieved that Adam did not show any sexual interest in her, feeling hurt, slighted… humiliated almost by this lack of awareness of her as a woman?
After she had met Nick?
Because of the contrast with Nick’s attitude towards her, flirting with her, complimenting her, standing unfamiliarly and unnervingly close to her in a way which Adam never did, his whole demeanour somehow underlining not only his sexual interest in her, but Adam’s slight withdrawal from her.
That had hurt and confused her, making her draw back instinctively from her relationship with Adam, too immature to question his behaviour or to ask for an explanation, taking comfort instead in the contrasting warmth of Nick’s attention and interest in her.
She could remember how surprised she had been when Adam first introduced Nick to her as his brother.
Adam had told her that he had business in Bristol which brought him to the city fairly regularly. He had telephoned and arranged to meet Fern earlier in the week, but for the first time since she had met him he had been late.
It was his fault, Nick had apologised winsomely after Adam had introduced them. He had friends in the city and had decided to take advantage of Adam’s journey there to visit them, his own car being out of action. ‘Adam’s done the brotherly thing by helping me out today although I can’t say it’s easy being dependent on someone else’s set of wheels.’
He had made an expressive gesture with his hands and out of the corner of her eye Fern had noticed the way Adam was frowning.
Immediately she had felt that she must have done something wrong, a feeling which was reinforced later when they were alone and Adam seemed withdrawn and quieter than usual.
Was he perhaps growing bored with her, regretting arranging to see her?
Nervously she had tried to fill the silences between them, asking him about Nick, not because she was curious about his brother, but because she could think of nothing else to say.
He had responded to her questions with unfamiliar terseness.
Nick was his stepbrother, he had told her.
For the rest of the afternoon he had seemed preoccupied and distant. Fern had been stupidly close to tears when he left.
She remembered looking up at him, vulnerably aware of her own emotions and his apparent lack of them. She remembered the way she had accidentally looked at his mouth, looked at it and suddenly, startlingly, shockingly ached to press herself up against him and feel it moving against her own.
She could remember too the hot, scarlet waves of guilt which had swept up over her whole body.
Adam had frowned, stepping towards her. Immediately she had stepped backwards, appalled by what she was thinking, turning and almost running away from him, barely managing to stammer a goodbye.
After that things had changed between them. Adam had grown increasingly remote.
On one visit he had had a message for her from Nick.
Fern hadn’t been able to make much sense of it. It seemed to refer to a date she had had with Nick which had not in fact existed, but insecurity, shyness and hesitancy had stopped her from saying anything.
And one of her worst memories of all was being told by Nick, with what she now suspected had been a spurious and totally false concern, that, while Adam might not be sexually interested in her, he was both aware of and very sexually interested in other women.
She remembered even now the cold, jarring shock of the moment Nick had told her that Adam had a girlfriend… a woman friend, with whom he had sex… made love…
She could remember quite distinctly how angry she had felt… how hurt… how betrayed almost, and yet Adam had given her no reason to feel any of those things. At no time had he indicated that he felt anything for her other than friendship. Yes, he had always been kind to her, always made her feel special, protected, wanted when she was with him, but he had made no physical overtures to her, other than to occasionally brush her hair out of her eyes, or to touch her arm lightly… things that any man might have done.
‘I hope you aren’t falling in love with him,’ Nick had said lightly. ‘Because if you are, I ought to warn you that you’d be wasting your time.’
Wasting her time…
* * *
Just as she had wasted her life… in marrying Nick. Had wasted his as well.
