Page 135 of After the Burn

Tilting my chin upwards with his finger, Lucas brought my eyes to his. “You've said sorry before, but I want to know the 'why' behind what you did.”

My gaze shifted as my thoughts floated back to memories with Ben. “I was angry. Mostly at Ben... Dad.” Lucas stayed silent, so I kept going. "And at Adrian... and you.”

His jaw clenched, and I rushed my words, hoping to outpace the storm brewing in his eyes. “When Adrian left after his mom died, I didn’t understand any of it. I was eight. One day he was there, and then he wasn’t.” I swallowed. “But you were different.”

Lucas's gaze remained fixed on mine, a subtle softening in his expression.

“You didn’t leave town.”

“No,” he whispered, seeming to know where this was going.

“You were still close.” My throat tightened. “You just stopped having anything to do with me.”

Something shifted in his face.

“At eight years old, I didn’t understand that you were grieving too. I didn’t understand that you were fifteen and probably had no idea what the hell to do with me.” I looked down at my hands. “I only knew that you used to be there, and then suddenly you weren’t.”

“Taryn—”

“No. Let me finish.” I begged with my eyes.

This was hard enough to do, so I wanted to get it out all at once.

With his gaze keenly fixed on my face, he gave a slow nod.

“Adrian disappearing hurt. But with you...” I shook my head. “You were right there in the same town, and somehow that made it worse. It felt like you had decided I wasn’t worth your time.”

Lucas’s jaw tightened.

“I know now that probably wasn’t what you were thinking. But that’s what I believed.”

The rain hammered against the truck’s roof.

“And then years later, you walked back into my life and treated me like some spoiled kid you barely knew.” I gave a humorless laugh. “I already had all that anger sitting there waiting for somewhere to go.”

His eyes narrowed slightly, but he didn’t interrupt.

“So… I gave it to you.” I forced myself to meet his gaze. “The accusation was part of that. I knew you hadn’t touched me. I also knew what saying you had could cost you, and I did it anyway because I wanted to hurt you.”

His jaw flexed. “You did.”

“I know.”

“You could’ve ruined my career.” His blue eyes grew stormy. “If this horrible apocalypse hadn’t occurred, you would have.”

“I know.”

“And that wasn’t Ben’s fault.” His expression was intense.

“No.” My voice got softer. “It was mine.”

That silenced him.

“I can explain why I was angry, and why I hated you for disappearing from my life. But none of that makes what I did okay.” I gathered my courage and met his gaze so he could tell I was being genuine.

Lucas watched me for a long moment.

“And every apology I gave you afterward was bullshit. I was sorry that there were consequences and that it became a problem.” Drawing in a deep breath, I continued. “But I wasn’t actually sorry for what I’d done to you.”