Page 117 of The Tryout

I sniff, pulling back from the window and walking to the kitchen. Our schedule is stuck to the front with a Huskies magnet.

“Yeah. Last game is on the 20th, and I think I get six days before I have to be back. Was planning to head to California.”

Ethan pauses again.

“I mean, that’s fine. Obviously.”

“But?”

“But…our last game is on the 22nd, and it’s at home. What if you came to visit? Stayed with us, came to the game? I bet Finn would like that.”

In my mind, Finn and I were going to be together for Christmas. It was just going to be in LA. I’d been putting off the conversation, trying to think of how to get him to say yes. Now I guess it didn’t matter.

“I don’t…I don’t want to intrude.”

“That’s why I invited you, dumbass. Think about it, okay?”

In the back of the apartment, I hear my bedroom door open.

“I gotta go, okay? Thanks, Ethan.”

And with that, I hang up.

Sure enough, the Huskies want Finn. It was Ramsey on the phone, and while Finn may not know this, I know a call from the head coach of an NHL team is a big deal. It means they’re treating him like One of The Team, not just another fill-in up for a week or two.

And, sure enough, he’s not going for just a week. Ramsey told him to pack for a longer trip, at least through the holidays. The organization will discuss their plans over the break and give him more information in January.

But for now, it’s time to pack – again. I get out my big suitcase this time, the one Dad brought in November with my Switch and games. Finn starts layering in his clothes – underwear, socks, casual stuff. I know I’m being quiet – too quiet – but frankly, I don’t really know what to say. He starts gathering toiletries in his bathroom while I head to my bedroom. The sheets are still mussed from earlier and for a moment I consider just burying myself in them and pretending none of this is happening.

Instead, I head to the closet, grabbing some shirts and sweaters. I make sure to include the gray silk shirt he wore at the steakhouse, plus several athletic layers. I know he missed running outside the last time he was in Minneapolis, and I want to ensure he can this time.

Walking back into his room, I drop the armload of clothes on the bed and start folding them, making sure they all fit. It isn’t until Finn returns, dropping his toiletries in the bag, that I realize he’s quiet, too.

I finally bring myself to look at him, to grab his hand and squeeze.

“Hey. I’m so proud of you. You deserve this, okay?”

He nods and smiles – or attempts a smile, at least. It ends up looking more like a grimace in the end.

“It’s just…I’m gonna miss you, y’know?”

Whatever has been growing in my chest, making it so hard to breathe, tears apart. I pull him close, wrapping myself around him, burying my face in his hair. His arms come around my waist, pulling me in even closer. We stay there a while – longer than any sensible hug. But I think we both know when we separate, it will be for a long time.

Eventually, though, it’s time. After all, Finn has a flight to catch. This time, he doesn’t have to ask me to take him to the airport, to walk in with him, to watch as he walks away.

But this time, he turns around to wave, and I wave back, willing myself to keep it together.

Before I’m even in the parking structure, the tears come. For the first time in a long time, I’m glad no one here knows me, no one recognizes me as a member of the Pack. Instead, I’m allowed to be just some sad guy at the airport, eyes red and tracks of water running down my cheeks.

No, here I’m allowed to just be me. Maybe they think I wonder who he’s leaving?

Or, more likely, who’s leaving him.

It’s a relief to get to the car, even if I know I’m not ready to drive away just yet. Still, I turn on the car, letting the heat fill the space as I rest my forehead on the steering wheel. Just as I think I can do it, can throw the car into drive and head back home, my phone vibrates in my pocket.

Finn Murphy 1:35 PM

At my gate.