Page 146 of UNAwere

‘Sybbie… What aren’t you telling me?’

‘Nothing.’ I swallow thickly. ‘I just wanted to hear your voice.’

‘You alright?’

‘Yeah. How are you?’

‘I’m good… Are you sure you’re okay?’

‘Yeah.’ I try to add the filter I always use in my voice, but it doesn’t seem to be working. ‘I’m fine. I just miss you.’

‘I miss you, too.’ She sighs. ‘You really didn’t have to do this for me, you know? You’ve done everything in your entire life with me in mind. And I get it, and I appreciate it. But, Sybbie, you’re living for me instead of yourself. And I feel terrible. I feel like you haven’t been able to enjoy anything because you’ve been too concerned about me.’

‘No,’ I protest. ‘I’ve wanted to.’

‘I know you have, but when are you going to make decisions based on what’s best for you? Instead of just sacrificing yourself and your happiness?’

‘That’s not what big sisters do.’

‘It’s not what mothers do,’ she corrects. ‘And as much as I love you, I don’t see you as a replacement for Mum. You’re my big sister. And I love you. And I want you to be happy.’

‘I am…’

‘Okay.’ Maeve’s voice is small. ‘If you say so.’

I grit my teeth. ‘Look, um, I’ve gotta go.’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you, too.’

My heart is breaking. It feels like everything I’ve ever known has been turned on its head. I hang up the phone and give it back to Hannah, who pockets it.

‘You okay?’ she asks, brow creased.

I nod.

‘It’s about time to head out,’ Bernie says softly. She goes to the back door and opens it. ‘You’ll be alright, Sybbie.’

I nod again.

Hannah guides me to the door and then pulls me into a tight hug. I feel my nervous system settle slightly at her touch, but it’s not enough. Not this time.

‘Fight,’ she says.

And then I’m stepping out into the cold.

Frost crunches under my bare feet.

My toes are numb. I should’ve pushed harder to wear shoes, but apparently they were another forbidden thing in a bonding ceremony.

I find the grove where Hannah took me the other day and stand in the still silence. There’s no breeze. It’s eerie. Nothing seems to be moving. I don’t even hear birds.

I wrap my arms around my chest, trying to convince myself I’m okay. I know it’s best that I probably dissociate throughout this entire process. I know doing so is the only way to get through this without fighting back or panicking. Without risking the alliance.

I think of Nolan, and I wonder where he is. I wonder if he knows every detail about what’s going to happen today. I wonder if he cares.

My thoughts go to Jude, but I force them away. Because if I think of him any longer, I’ll run back to the house and keep going until I’m in his arms.