Page 47 of On Your Life

“That’s great!” Her voice brightens for half a second. Then it changes. “Listen, I was hoping that you’d call today. We got some devastating news,” she says.

Every muscle in my body tightens. Alarm bells start going off in my head.

I’m an anxious person on a good day. This entire situation has taken whatever baseline level of sanity I had and thrown it straight into oncoming traffic.

“What is it?” I ask.

I wish people would just start a conversation with the bad news instead of sugar coating it. Hearing we need to talk without anything else is the equivalent to being chased by a grizzly bear in my head. Just spill the fucking beans or don’t say anything.

“We have to find you a new lawyer.” My stomach drops. “Mr. Fischer died in a car accident last night. His secretary is calling all of his clients so they can make arrangements.”

My stomach flips over and I feel like I’m going to vomit. This is just my fucking luck. Rest in peace Mr. Fischer but this is seriously the worst possible time.

“Is his family okay?” I ask, trying to scrape together whatever decency I have left with the question, but the hopelessness has already taken root and continues to dig deeper.

My mom exhales softly. “His wife is in the hospital in critical condition. His children weren’t in the car, thank goodness. I feel horrible for them.” My fingers tighten around the phone. “I know this isn’t the news you wanted to hear, but we are working to find you a new lawyer as fast as we can,” she promises.

Easier said than done. No one wanted to take my case. Conflict of interest they said. They didn’t want to admit the real reason.

I was the most hated person in the county and no one wanted their name tarnished for defending someone like me.

Mr. Fischer didn’t care about any of that. He cared about money, and honestly, I could respect that. He fought hard for me. Kept pushing forward when everyone else had decided that I wasn’t worth the trouble. I assume he did that up until the moment he died.

“Just keep me updated. Thank you for looking, I can’t do much from here,” I say.

I twirl the phone cord between my fingers. The metal ridges scrape against my skin, creating a sensation that’s enough to distract me from the chaos threatening to take over.

“I will. I’ll let you know if I come up with anything.”

“Okay I love you,” I whisper, trying to mask the defeat.

“I love you too. Take care of yourself and we’ll talk soon.”

“Okay, bye mom,” I say before hanging up the phone.

I don’t even notice my surroundings on the way to my cell. All of the sounds of the pod blur together until none of it registers.

The tears threaten to spill at any moment and I don’t want anyone to see. I barely get the cover over my head before they fall.

I bite down on my shirt collar to keep from full body sobbing, pressing my face into the thin mattress as my chest jerks beneath the blanket.

What am I going to do? How will I ever get out of here? What did I do to deserve this? I can’t live like this forever.

The questions come faster than I can answer them. My heart pounds harder and my lungs tighten. Suddenly, the tiny space beneath the blanket feels like there’s no air left in it. I have to calm down.

I roll onto my side, my head sinks into the mattress and I keep the cover pulled over my face. One breath, then another. I focus on relaxing one body part at a time.

I start at the top and release the wrinkles forming across my brow. The tension around my eyes relaxes and I unclench my jaw.

I work my way down, forcing each muscle to let go even when my body seems determined to stay wound as tight as a spring.

By the time I reach my toes, my body feels heavy against the mattress. For the first time since arriving here there’s nothing that I need to do. There's nothing that I can do.

My breathing evens out and my thoughts finally slow. And before I know it, sleep finds me. It feels like peace. Even if it’s only for a moment.

***

I feel like I blinked and two hours went by. The rest was much needed. I didn’t realize how badly I needed to shut my eyes until I woke up with clear thoughts.