Page 86 of Coastal Rewind

thirty-six

Ryleigh

I was on edge.

Something was seriously wrong with me. Over the past three weeks, Mason had been attentive and perfect while I was a moody little bitch. Since the day he told me he loved me, I’d been hiding from him—which was admittedly difficult when you lived together.

When he got home from trips, I stayed up extra late to read my book so he went to bed alone. When he was at home games, I went to sleep before he got home. He would cuddle up next to me when he got into bed like he hadn’t noticed my distance, but I knew he did. The weight of his arm around my stomach just made my silent tears fall heavier. I needed him in my life and I was in lost territory.

It wasn’t that I didn’t love him back. I did. I knew I did. But he didn’t deserve to be in the wake of my destruction. Owen’s outburst really opened my eyes to the hurt that he was feeling. The hurt that all my siblings were feeling. I didn’t want to accept it, but it was true. For the years I was running around the country living freely, my siblings were here wondering why I didn’t love them enough to stay. Carrying the burdens of our family trauma without me.

That broke my heart.

I loved my siblings more than anything in the world. I wasn’t avoiding them; I was avoiding them finding out about what kind of disappointment I was. Keegan and Maeve always idolized me in a way that felt more motherly than friendly or sisterly. I was a role model, not a peer. What would they have said when I lived a life of complete solitude? What would they have said when they found out I could face the same destiny our mother did?

Another maternal figure lost to the hands of cancer—and it would be all my fault.

But that was before. That was when I avoided any type of real connection with anyone in fear that I would leave a scorch mark when I inevitably left. Now? Now I knew what it was like to have sisters. I knew what it was like to have real friends. I knew what it was like to fall asleep next to the man I loved and care for a child who made my heart feel whole.

This summer turned my life upside down in a way I never saw coming. There was no way I could rewind back to the before. And, for once, I didn’t want to.

I was standing in front of the full length mirror in Mason’s room when I heard the soft click of the door opening. I glanced up and saw Mason standing in the doorway adjusting the sleeve of his jacket.

I would never get tired of drinking him in like the finest whiskey on the shelf.

He was wearing a dusty blue linen suit with a white dress shirt that had the top two buttons undone. I spotted a gold watch on his right wrist as he adjusted his sleeves which matched the hardware of his belt. He always looked put together and somehow got hotter by the day.

I looked back at my dress and twisted left and right to make sure it was sitting correctly. I was wearing a light purple floral maxi dress. It had flowy chiffon sleeves and a V down the front that plunged below my sternum so my tattoo peeked out at the bottom.

“You look amazing,” Mason said as he slid his arms around my waist from behind and planted a kiss on my cheek.

“Thanks.” My smile was small but I couldn’t stop my body from melting into his. “I feel so bloated and gross right now.”

“Well, you look stunning.”

He laced our fingers together and guided me out into the living room where MJ was sitting on the couch showing Zane and Mack his newest Lego set. Zane looked up at us with concern in his eyes as he held the massive instruction book in his hands.

“MJ, don’t torture them tonight with your Legos. Not everyone can be as smart as you.” Mason’s laugh was bright, which helped ease the tension in my body a little more.

“Come on, Dad. I did one like this last year.” MJ looked exasperated at the idea that these grown men might not be up to par with his building skills.

“All right, well, you kids have fun.” Mason winked at the guys and turned toward the door, pulling me behind him.

Normally I would’ve laughed, but I just didn’t have it in me.

My entire body felt heavy, like there were weights on my arms and I could drift off to sleep standing up at any moment.

Mason opened my door and I slid into the passenger seat before he rounded the hood and got behind the wheel. He pulled out of the driveway and placed a hand on my knee as we started toward the Malibu Beach Club.

“You okay, Sunshine?” He looked over at me but I couldn’t see his eyes through his sunglasses. I was grateful for that because I didn’t want to see the pain that sat there. The thing was, I was happy with Mason. I had already determined I was going to face my fears and stay for as long as he’d have me, but I hadn’t mustered up the courage to say the words. Admitting it out loud made the choice real. It would change my life.

It also hadn’t helped that my body felt like it was withering away.

I felt like I usually did when I was about to have horrible cramps, but I wasn’t due for my period for another week. My normal pain was awful but it was somewhat predictable. I was never more than two days early or late. My body betrayed me like clockwork every twenty-eight days.

A sudden wave of nausea coursed through my stomach but I swallowed it down and let my old mask slip into place. The one I used to wear to prove to my family that I was happy being alone. The one that didn’t feel like me anymore.

“Yeah, I’m just nervous for tonight. What if she says no?”