Page 92 of Coastal Rewind

“No.” She shook her head. “You should have told us.”

I wrapped my arms around myself and sunk lower into the hospital bed. I guessed the cat was out of the bag now.

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“We would’ve supported you.” Maeve’s voice was a little harder but that tracked with how things were usually handled in the Kelly household.

Keegan tried hard to not let her feelings out, but once they broke free she felt them so deep it consumed her. Maeve was the hard-ass who was never afraid to stand up for herself. I had just never been on the receiving ends of both attitudes at the same time.

That one was new for me.

“You’re my little sisters. I’m supposed to be supporting you.” I knew they wanted some big apology, but they wouldn’t get one. I was sorry I didn’t tell them, but I wasn’t sorry my life took the course it did. I didn’t have time for regrets.

“You don’t have to do that, you know? Play Mom. She’s gone, Ry. That doesn’t mean you step into her shoes. Sometimes we just need our big sister,” Keegan said as Maeve wrapped an arm around her.

“You guys don’t understand. How could I look you in the eyes and tell you I’d never be a mom? That I’d never be Mom? That if I took those steps something like this could happen?” I gestured around the hospital room. “Or worse: I could get cancer, too. The tumor I had wasn’t cancerous, but that could have changed at any moment. How do I look my little sisters in the eyes and tell them that?”

That was the comment that finally had the dam breaking and the girls running to the bed. Keegan and Maeve sat on either side of my legs and took my hands in theirs.

“Ry, if you got cancer we’d work through it with you every single day.”

“There are lots of ways to be a mom. Ones that don’t involve putting your body at risk.”

“We don’t care if you die an old hag with ten cats and no kids as long as you’re here.”

My eyes ping ponged between the two girls as they clung to me desperately and landed comment after comment; some sweet and some mildly insulting.

“And most of all.” Keegan leaned down into my space. “Owen told us about the rules she left you. I think what she left out was that it’s okay to make your own rules as you grow through life, too. We don’t want you to be Mom. We want you to be Ryleigh, our pain in the ass, free-spirited nomad of a big sister.”

I swiped away a tear I felt falling down my cheek. “I missed you guys so much.”

“We’ve been right here waiting for you to come home, babe.” Keegan scooted closer and rested her head against my shoulder and Maeve mimicked her actions on the other side until we were a sandwich of Kelly sisters.

“Please stay this time,” Maeve whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere. My life is here.”

And it was. My life had been one long, winding roller coaster to show me that this was exactly where I was supposed to land. Right here with my siblings. Right here with Mason and MJ. Right here where the spirit of my mom lived freely.

The door cracked open again and I saw Maggie lingering in the doorway. I motioned for her to come in and she gave me a soft smile as she pushed the door open and slowly entered the room, flanked by Rori and Lottie. The three girls climbed onto the bed and joined our little huddle.

I wasn’t sure how I got so lucky to have an army of sisters like them. Girls who supported endlessly and loved with their whole hearts. Girls who knew that life wasn’t black and white and were willing to live in the gray with you. Girls who were always down for a martini, or a hike, or a pool day to talk out feelings. There was always someone there. We were never alone.

I never got the chance to ask her, but I always thought that was why my mom pushed my dad to have so many kids. She knew one day we’d need each other. She knew that the big scary world was easier to tackle together than alone.

I may not have that in my future, but what I do have is them, my siblings. I have Marnie and any future nieces and nephews. I would love them all until it was suffocating, and they would know what it’s like to grow up in the most caring family in the world.

One that sticks together, always.

thirty-nine

Ryleigh

“Do you want some water? Juice? Tea? A snack?” Mason listed off options in rapid-fire succession as I closed my eyes and tuned him out.

I thought I wanted a man with a heart of gold until I realized that when they thought you needed help, they never left you the fuck alone. I took a deep breath and stood from the couch, wincing a bit as my shirt rubbed against my incision.

My stitches came out two days ago but the skin around my incision was still sensitive to the touch. This entire experience gave me a new appreciation for women who went through C-sections and were expected to care for a baby the next day. I did not birth a human and if one person demanded I do anything but sit on my ass right now, I’d absolutely laugh in their face.