Page 3 of The Doctors Will See You Now

I glanced at the door, vivid dreams of escape temporarily taking over my vision, but Georgia’s slap to the top of my arm snapped me out of it.

“Come on. Your television debut awaits.”

How weird. Me on television. Talk about a turn of life I didn’t really expect, seeing as I was a doctor.

Officially lured in, I followed my sister and brother-in-law down the hall. Julia shot out of a doorway and tripped me, but I managed both to catch myself before hitting the ground and avoid stepping on her.

“Whoa, JuJu. You almost took your Uncle Will out,” Kline teased with a smile as he scooped her up and into his arms.

“Boom boom, dah-dee,” she answered, and even I laughed.

Boom boom, indeed.

My mom and dad were waiting in the living room when we arrived, but that didn’t last long.

“Shoot, Dick. Come help me. I forgot the champagne out in the garage.”

“Champagne?” I protested. “It’s just a show, Mom.”

She ignored me, and so did my dad. He didn’t hesitate to jump up and follow her down the hall.

Georgia covered Julia’s ears, the constantly moving little girl now on her lap, and said the words we all knew to be true but didn’t want to say. “They’re definitely going to have s-e-x.”

I shrugged in affirmation. I couldn’t think of a time when Dick and Savannah weren’t sneaking off to have sex. And good for them, I guess. I just wished I knew a little less about it.

The smell of food caught my attention, and it didn’t take me long to zero in on its origin—the coffee table.

Ah Jesus.

“Are those vagina-shaped crescent rolls?” I asked, but I knew the answer. Goddammit, my parents are weird.

Kline nodded enthusiastically. “I helped shape them.”

“And those? What are those?”

“Deviled eggs with the tops on and a pickle speared garnish,” Georgia said, her eyes wide and innocent.

“And?”

She huffed and giggled a little. “A fertilized egg, obviously.”

“The Twizzlers?”

“Fallopian tubes.”

“See?” Kline said with a laugh. “I told you there were snacks.”

“Christ.”

Still…I was really hungry. And I do like eating pussy, I reasoned. Grabbing three bread vaginas, I popped the first into my mouth and searched the table for penis-shaped hot dogs. I really needed some protein, even if it was of questionable origin and phallic in shape.

“Ooh, it’s starting! Look, look!” George squealed excitedly. “Turn it up, Kline.”

He jumped to do as she bid, and I took a seat on the couch beside her and Julia as he did.

The music started, a fast tempo with a ton of B-roll footage of the hospital, its halls, and the busy streets of Manhattan. The intensity was exciting, so much so it made my heart beat a little faster. It flashed to the front entrance of St. Luke’s Hospital off of 59th Street, and then zoomed in the front doors and through the halls, stairwell, and around the corner to the front entrance of St. Luke’s Obstetrics and Gynecology at superspeed, almost as if they’d strapped the camera to a rocket.

But when the doors of my office opened, the actual camera shot faded and the graphic for the show formed, the last words to fade in: Dr. OB, and a picture of me.