Page 98 of The Doctors Will See You Now

Honestly, it was like watching a car crash. I didn’t want to look, but I couldn’t look away.

God, I hope that little old lady makes it out of this auction house alive today.

With the motive of distracting myself from the fact that Cassie was one nude painting away from going what Georgia described as fight club, I pulled out my cell phone and sent a quick text to Will.

Me: I’m not sure if it was such a good idea to bring Cassie to this auction.

My phone vibrated with his response a minute later.

Will: Lol. I can only imagine…

Me: I think she’s about to fight this old lady for nude oil paintings. She’s convinced it’ll drive Thatch crazy and give him “constant bonertimes.” Her words, not mine.

Will: Jesus. What kind of auction are you at? I thought you were getting items for the charity event…

Me: Get your mind out of the gutter. It’s not like porno nudes. It’s classic, 20th-century art. Mostly boobs, no crotch shots.

Will: Well…Thatch is a boob man.

Yeah, that was obvious. I was certain everyone in this auction house knew Thatch was a boob man.

Me: Yeah, well, Cassie is about to throw down on account of his boob obsession.

Will: I’d like to say everything will be okay, but…

Me: Help me.

Will: LOL. What’s Georgia doing?

Me: Eating Skittles.

Will: In the middle of an auction?

Me: Yeah, I’m basically with Thelma and Louise. Only instead of driving the car off the cliff, Cassie’s going to set this place on fire just to piss off the old lady who keeps bidding on all of the nudes she wants.

Will: I think you should record this. For future viewing purposes.

Me: You’re zero help!

Will: You have to admit the entire situation is hilarious.

In that moment, it didn’t fucking feel hilarious. My palms were sweaty, and the stress had spurred a constant, sharp ache in my chest. If I weren’t under thirty and my family hadn’t had any known history of heart disease, I would’ve been convinced it was a heart attack. Sure, it might have seemed a little dramatic to be stressed over Cassie trying to buy everything nude or boob-focused, but seriously, the looks we had been getting from everyone around us weren’t exactly friendly or welcoming. I felt like a caged animal in the zoo. Only, the people staring at me weren’t excited, they were two seconds away from calling the cops.

I was just glad she hadn’t tried to bid against me on anything. There’s no telling what emergent medical episode would have befallen us.

Me: Yeah, maybe when you’re an outsider. It’s not when you’re actually in the middle of it.

Will: Were you able to bid on enough items for the charity function? Or is Cassie outbidding you, too?

Me: Luckily, yes. Thank God, I was focused on sculptures and boob-less paintings of landscapes and flowers. Otherwise, Cassie might have killed me by now.

Will: Lol.

Me: I’m glad this is so amusing for you.

Will: Does it help if I say I think you’re amazing?

It helped a little… but that didn’t mean I had to tell him that. I typed out a two-letter response and hit send.