Page 34 of Unnecessary Drama

‘You’re single, right?’ Penny says.

‘Well, yes, technically,’ I say. I don’t know why I say ‘technically’. There’s nothing technical about it.

‘Are you looking to meet someone but you’re not into the club scene or dating apps?’ Harper says, sounding as though she’s reading off a questionnaire sheet at a doctor’s office.

‘Well, I guess so, kind of.’ I’m scrambling. I’m not into anything with the word ‘scene’ involved and dating apps scare the hell out of me, so she is right, but I also am very clearly falling into a trap. Am I looking to meet someone? Where does desperate-to-be-loved-but-terrified-of-intimacy fall on that scale? I kind of assumed, when I moved here, I would meet someone in one of three ways. Scenario one: while waiting for my coffee at a cafe, they would call out my order, and a cute guy would step forward, because we have the same order, and we would smile at each other, and just know, and fall in love. Scenario two: I would be in a bookshop, looking for a certain book, and they only have one copy, and a cute guy and I reach for it at the same time, and we smile at each other, and just know, and fall in love. Scenario three, my most elaborate: a French exchange student would join my creative writing class and he would read my work and give me feedback in French and I would translate his note and realise it was actually him telling me how beautiful I am, and we would fall in love and he would make me croissants from scratch and show me how to wear little silk scarves.

None of these scenarios have come close to eventuating. I once saw a cute guy in a bookshop, but then I noticed he was buying a Jordan Peterson book and I lost interest.

‘We’ve had some success setting up a few of our friends but we need some straight subjects too, to see how wide we can go with it,’ Penny is saying.

‘Is this a real business or just a uni assignment?’ Jesse says.

‘It’s just a uni assignment for now, but I think it could become a real business,’ Penny says. ‘Harper is a little more sceptical.’

‘It’s a lot of work,’ Harper says. ‘Thinking of a cute business name has already taken us weeks, so we’re behind on the actual assignment.’

‘We could be future billionaires—you never know,’ Penny says.

‘We obviously hate billionaires, though,’ Harper says.

‘The plan is to be like the queer, feminist version of Robin Hood, we’re going to use love to make money and then use the money to give back to our community,’ Penny says, waving her fork around to emphasise her points.

‘We still need to figure out how to make it profitable though,’ Harper adds.

‘Sorry, why aren’t you asking Jesse? For this experiment?’ I say.

‘He already ruined things with Amber when he didn’t message her after the housewarming, so he’s had to be discounted from the options,’ Penny says.

‘Wait, what!’ Jesse says. ‘She was not interested in anything else happening! She was into some other guy she was already seeing. Brendan? Braydon? Bryon? Some guy with a B name. She kept talking about him. I shouldn’t get blacklisted for that.’

‘I’m sorry. You’re problematic,’ Harper says, offering him some bread.

‘I was a perfect gentleman!’ Jesse says.

‘Still, the lack of attempted follow-up, letting her get traumatised by a mouse, it’s not the upscale vibe we want for the agency. It doesn’t look good on paper,’ Penny says.

‘Don’t put it on paper, then!’ Jesse says, still looking outraged.

‘Anyway, Brooke is perfect for us. You’ve got a relationship track record with Tristan, but you’re over him and ready to move on,’ Harper says.

‘Did I say that?’ I say, thinking back to our conversation earlier. I definitely didn’t say the words ready to move on, but maybe I gave that impression.

‘All we need is a nice photo of you,’ Penny says.

‘For what?’

‘To get you on our books.’

‘You have books?’

‘Symbolically.’

‘What does that mean?’ I say.

‘I need a photo to send to my cousin Henry. He’s the one we want to set you up with,’ Penny says.

Harper smiles at me in a don’t-kill-me way.