Page 45 of Unnecessary Drama

‘Yes, I should hide. In the bathrooms? Maybe I’ll just go home?’ I say.

‘No. No. Don’t leave,’ Penny says. She’s looking thoughtful.

‘We can just ignore him,’ Jesse says.

‘I can’t ignore him,’ I say. Tristan and I are friends. Friendly. We said we would stay friends. We haven’t actually spoken all year, but the spirit of friendship exists between us. Tristan is the kind of guy who likes to say ‘I’m still friends with all of my exes’. Whatever we are, I know he will come over and talk to me. I know it. And to ignore him, to act like we’re not friends, to cause a scene, it would make me the loser in this scenario, because he and Kendra would assume I was still upset over the break-up.

‘Okay,’ Penny says. ‘And just hear me out on this.’ She’s smiling in a I’ve-had-a-wild-idea-that-just-might-work way, which makes me nervous. Even more nervous than when she told me she had a surprise. Still, any idea is better than no idea.

‘I’m listening,’ I say.

‘He comes over for a chat, and Henry pretends to be your boyfriend.’

Henry looks startled and then terrified by this idea. Penny is looking pleased with herself, obviously thinking she can still make this match happen.

‘I don’t know,’ I say, looking at Harper. I need a voice of reason.

‘It could work,’ Harper says to me, nodding vigorously.

‘Um, I’m not sure,’ Henry says, also desperately looking for a voice of reason.

Penny turns to me, gripping both my arms, eyes wide with the excitement of hatching a scheme. She is not going to be a voice of reason for anyone.

‘This is not a ref lection on your life, Brooke. It’s just sometimes, when it comes to running into your ex, even if your life is going perfectly, and you look hot—which, you do, you look extremely hot tonight, doesn’t she, Henry?—even if you love being single, even if everything is perfect, in this brief moment you just want that added element of having shown them you have moved on to a new relationship. It’s not sensible, it’s not healthy, it’s not smart, but sometimes you have to do it.’

I take a deep breath. Am I that insecure? That desperate? No! I’m here in Melbourne, with actual friends, wearing a (fake, cheap) leather jacket, my hair might be unwashed but it has dry shampoo in it so it’s not terrible, and as much as I don’t feel it, I’m living my best life. I am, or at least I’m living a good one. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. I don’t need to step off the cliff into chaos.

‘No, I think it’s okay. I don’t need a fake boyfriend. That’s too much. That’s going too far,’ I say. I smile reassuringly at Henry, so he knows I can recognise a bad idea when I hear it.

Henry looks relieved. Penny is disappointed.

‘I think he’s coming over,’ Jesse announces.

‘Shit,’ I say.

I sneak a look. I can see Tristan kissing Kendra on the cheek, whispering something in her ear, and then walking in this direction. I look away before he can make eye contact. He’s going to say, ‘How are you?’ and ‘What have you been up to?’ and ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ and I don’t know how to answer any of those questions. They feel impossible. Look at the failure of a conversation I’ve just had with Henry. I’m boring, and I have no news, and nothing to say. Panic is rising in my chest. Penny’s words echo in my head.

It’s not sensible, it’s not healthy, it’s not smart, but sometimes you have to do it.

‘I’ve changed my mind, I’ve changed my mind, I do need a fake boyfriend, just for the next ten minutes,’ I say. I need something, some kind of armour. Penny claps her hands with excitement, like a villain when their dastardly plan comes together, and she nudges Henry.

‘Do it!’ she says, nodding at him enthusiastically.

Henry looks like a man being dragged to his death.

‘I don’t…I don’t think I can. I hate public speaking.’

‘How is this public speaking?’ Penny says.

‘I don’t know, it’s just giving me the same feeling. I’m not very good at on-the-spot stuff, I…’ he says, shaking his head.

‘What about your stand-up?’ Penny says. ‘This will be exactly like performing on stage.’

‘Not exactly,’ I say quickly. I don’t want him doing comedy. ‘But similar.’

‘I haven’t had a lot of stage experience yet,’ Henry says.

There is a beat of silence. Tristan will be here any second. I can almost see a droplet of sweat forming on Henry’s forehead. I need to put the poor boy out of his misery.