Page 12 of The Wedding Forecast

I feel very hot, and then very cold, and then a little bit like I might throw up myself. Hayley and Luke have both turned to look at me, and Joel is watching me too, and I need to hold it together, to keep everything from spilling out everywhere, to battle with the desire to scream What the fuck? at Joel and launch myself at him and bodily attack him, crack his head open so I can see into his brain and then his chest open so I can see his heart, and figure out how he could do this to me.

‘Oh my god,’ Hayley says.

I have still said nothing. I don’t think I could speak if I wanted to. The silence between us all feels like a syrupy abyss and I will be drowning in it forever.

‘Wow,’ Luke says.

Joel is looking from face to face.

‘I know it’s very soon, and we haven’t been together long. It’s not planned, it’s not ideal. But. But we’re keeping it. Obviously, or I wouldn’t be telling you all like this. We’re having a baby, and we’re excited about it.’

There are several more beats of silence.

‘Congrats man,’ Luke says, snapping out of the shock first, standing up and walking over to Joel and giving him a hug. ‘This is amazing.’

‘Yes! Congratulations,’ Hayley says, clearly trying to recover. She walks over and hugs Joel as well.

‘Congratulations,’ Mac adds, although he doesn’t sound overly congratulatory.

I am the only one not speaking.

‘Thank you,’ Joel says. His eyes are on me. I am trying to form the word congratulations. It’s somehow in my throat, it’s working its way up, slowly. I open my mouth. I’m scared I might scream. Or sob.

‘Congratulations, Joel,’ I say, and the words are out, but that’s not really my voice, it’s the voice of a stranger, a horror-movie voice.

‘Now can I talk to you, Anna?’ Joel says.

‘I’m okay, I mean, I’m good. We don’t need to talk.’ My voice is shaky now, rising in tone. I sound like a woman on the edge, which I am.

Bianca walks out of the bathroom then and smiles weakly at everyone.

‘Sorry. I’m just going to lie down for a minute.’

‘Can I get you some water, babe?’ Joel asks.

‘No thanks.’

‘Apple juice? Saladas?’

‘Yes, I might try that.’

‘I told everyone our news,’ Joel says. He’s nervous, but also happy, I can see it, in his eyes, in the way he looks at Bianca. He’s excited. He wants this. He’s going to be a dad.

‘I’m sorry,’ Bianca says to the room at large.

For what, it’s not clear. Vomiting? Stealing Hayley’s spotlight? Destroying my soul?

‘Don’t be sorry!’ Hayley says, leaping up. ‘Congratulations.’ Hayley hugs her and I look away.

My legs feel weak. My throat is very dry. I could use some of that apple juice Joel is pouring for Bianca. I need to go outside and be alone, but I don’t want to run off and make a dramatic exit.

‘I’m just going to get something from my car,’ I mumble, and slip out the front door.

I don’t have my car keys, so I walk around to the backyard. It’s sunny, and balmy. The yard is thankfully very large, and at the back, behind some greenery, is a big two-person hammock. I sit in it, and then lie back and look at the blue sky and try to deep-breathe. What’s the thing you are supposed to do to ground yourself? Find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can do, like walk back into the house and grab your ex by his shoulders and yell, Why, why, why you fucking bastard? I want to cry so badly it is like a physical force taking over my body.

But I’m not crying this weekend. I’m not.

‘Anna,’ Hayley says, climbing into the hammock beside me. It swings and she slips, falling out the side, in an ungraceful way that is slapstick and hilarious, but neither of us laughs. The gravity of the situation, of Joel having a baby, overrides any possibility of humour. She gets up and climbs back in.