Page 128 of People Skills

‘I know, but the people here will still show up,’ I say. ‘Hillary always has more to say on any topic.’

The office door opens, and I turn, expecting to see one of the volunteers, or maybe Darius, but that’s not who walks in.

It’s Xavier.

Jamila lets out a short, surprised noise, and Kat widens her eyes at me.

‘Hi,’ I say, standing up and then sitting down and then changing my mind and standing up again.

‘Hi. So. I’ll do it,’ Xavier says, not quite making eye contact with me but sort of talking to the room at large. ‘The session. If you still need me.’

‘Oh my god, yes, we do!’ Jamila practically shouts. She already has her phone in hand. ‘Are you serious? Because we need to start promoting it. Let me just get a quick shot of you right now. Are those glasses? Let’s put them on,’ she says.

And suddenly Kat is writing copy and Jamila is directing Xavier to stand in various poses in front of our office bookshelf, and Hillary messages me from the hospital (where Ettie has given birth to a gorgeous little baby girl) saying, Xavier just told me he’s doing the session, let’s get it out there, and we’re all hands on deck, and there’s no time for Xavier and me to speak to each other.

Does he really want to do this? Why did he change his mind?

Do I want to do this?

It’s just hitting me now that we’ll have to sit on a stage together, that we’ll have to put on a show together, figuratively and literally, that we’ll have to talk about all the things we did together this year, that this session will only work if it’s intimate and personal. I was so sure that Xavier would say no, that we wouldn’t do it and it would be his fault, that I haven’t prepared myself for what to do now that it’s happening.

Xavier is sitting at a spare desk now and he’s listening to Kat read out a description of the session.

‘In this intimate and wide-ranging conversation, Xavier Hobbs Sullivan will talk with editor and festival staffer Charlotte Dapkus about his body of work and how she helped him overcome debilitating writer’s block.’

‘What do you think?’ he asks me.

‘I think it sounds good,’ I say, hoping my voice, my face, my shaking hands are not betraying me. I think I want to die. I can’t do this. I’ve done some panel discussions before, as an editor, but never for a big audience. And the thing about this session is that we’re presenting me as an editor. I want to scrap those words in the description. I want to cut that line and cut my name and cut the term intimate. I’m sure he hates the word debilitating. I hate it all.

‘I think it sounds good too,’ Xavier says and stands up. ‘I’m going to work from Mum’s house. Charlotte, shall we catch up later for some session prep?’

My name suddenly sounds so formal coming out of his mouth.

‘Yep. Just text me,’ I say, as if I am completely relaxed and it’s no big deal, as if I haven’t checked my phone every night with hope in my heart he’ll text me, even as I tell myself I should block his number so I won’t be tempted to text him, as if the very thought of the session doesn’t make me certain I’m going to be stripped and flayed on stage, an intimate conversation, in front of hundreds of people. Maybe no one will come.

I am trying to swallow, but I feel like I have suddenly lost the ability.

When Xavier leaves, Kat looks at me. ‘He seems pretty chill about it all. Did you guys make up?’

‘Something like that,’ I say.

‘How do you feel?’ she asks.

‘Fine, fine,’ I say.

‘Nervous?’

‘Not at all.’

‘People are going feral for it,’ Jamila reports. ‘Xavier still has a lot of appeal. The picture of him in glasses helps too.’

‘He’s the hot, mystery author,’ Kat says. ‘He hasn’t done an event for years.’

She clicks on the festival website. ‘We’re selling tickets.’

Everyone who had a ticket to the Jessica session was given a code to rebook to this session for free, or otherwise request a refund. Everyone seems to be rebooking.

I am feeling sick now. What am I going to wear? What am I going to do with my hair? Is it too late to get a haircut? A whole new wardrobe? A whole new face and life and personality?