Page 130 of People Skills

‘I think we should skip over the part where we had sex.’

I give him an irritated look, and he smiles, fleetingly.

‘Anything you do want to talk about, that I should make sure to mention?’

‘Did you end up rereading Persuasion?’ he says.

‘Yes. I did,’ I say. I cried through the final chapters. At least Anne got her happy ending.

‘Me too,’ he says.

‘What did you think?’ I ask.

‘It’s my favourite Austen.’

‘Mine too.’

We fall into silence, and the air between us feels unbearably heavy.

Xavier stands up. ‘I should go,’ he says.

‘You just got here.’ I can hear slight panic in my voice.

‘I think you’ve got everything covered.’

‘You don’t want to go over questions?’

‘No, I trust you. And it’s better if my answers are fresh. Unrehearsed.’

‘We could get dinner or—’

‘I’m eating with Mum.’

‘All right then,’ I say, standing up as well, running my sweaty palms down the side of my jeans.

I thought when he walked into the office this morning that he was back, that maybe we could slip back into our friendship, but of course we can’t. And this stilted tension is worse than what I imagined.

He stops in the doorway and puts a hand on the doorframe.

‘Charlotte?’ he says. His eyes are soft.

‘Yes?’

I imagine him saying, I still want to be with you. Or even just, I still want you. If he made a move right now, I would have sex with him again. Of course I would. I would backslide so fast, I would be ashamed of myself. For all that I liked him begging me, I’m the one who is begging. This whole time, I have been begging for him to truly want me and love me, to say what I need to hear in order to let myself be with him.

‘See you on Saturday,’ he says.

‘See you then,’ I say, swallowing down a rush of emotion and quickly shutting the door behind him.

39

XAVIER AND I are standing backstage, waiting to go on. The session is sold out. My hands are shaking. I wish they weren’t, I wish I was as cool and calm and collected as Hillary is before she goes on stage, before she does anything, but I’m not.

My hands are visibly shaking, and I can hear my own breathing, and my heart.

Xavier is standing behind me. We’re listening to Hillary introduce us. I can feel his presence, and it’s reassuring. He moves to stand beside me, and, to my surprise, he takes my hand. He must have seen it shaking. He squeezes it, and it instantly calms me. To be touched by him again is like a little gift. I look up at him and smile. We haven’t spoken since Thursday night. I’ve been too busy with the festival to think about him, except I have thought about him, and this session, almost constantly. It’s been a little buzzing presence always in the back of my mind.

Colin McKay waves at me.