Page 46 of People Skills

‘Number-one rule, don’t read reviews.’

‘I have the kind of personality that doesn’t allow that.’

He takes after Hillary, I think but don’t say.

‘And I haven’t finished,’ he continues. ‘I gave up writing. My mother is begging you to help me. My ex is writing essays about how I broke her heart. I’m eating canned tuna alone in my car. I’m definitely the bigger loser here.’

I roll a little onto my side to get a better look at his face, and I am momentarily disarmed by his closeness, his head propped on his elbow above me.

‘You’re right, you win, you are a huge loser,’ I say. ‘The car tuna sealed it.’

He smiles down at me. He looks like how I feel. Drunk, not just on the wine but on the conversation and the stars and the night. His pupils are dark. His hair is falling across his forehead. He seems to lean even closer. His eyes have an I’m thinking about kissing you look to them.

I reach my hand up, and it feels like me but not real me, because real me wouldn’t be doing what I am doing in this moment, which is brushing back Hillary’s son’s hair. I almost want to laugh. What the hell am I doing?

I gently push Xavier’s hair off his face, and he is still looking into my eyes and his face is framed by the stars and the sky, and, screw it, I just want to kiss someone again.

I want to remember what it feels like to want and be wanted, for just a moment.

I take hold of the collar of his T-shirt, and I pull him closer, closer, and his eyes are on mine, twinkling, and I close my eyes and press my lips to his, so softly it’s almost like it’s not happening at all. His opens his mouth a little, kissing me back, softly, slowly, and then I feel his tongue in my mouth, I feel his hand on my cheek, and he makes a little noise in his throat.

My eyes snap open and I pull back. The voice of reason flies back into my mind. This is your boss’s son. He is fresh off a breakup. You are supposed to be getting this man’s life together. Cleaning up mess, not making it. What you are doing right now is sad, desperate, embarrassing. Unprofessional. You could get fired.

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have, that was…That shouldn’t have happened.’ I clear my throat, trying to clear my head, while sliding away from him. ‘We should go home. It’s late. I have work tomorrow.’

He sits up too, looking slightly dazed.

‘Right. Yes. Good idea,’ he says.

I brush off the sand, and he stands up and does the same.

Then we walk home in silence, and when I dare to look over at him, he’s looking back at me.

15

WHEN WE WALK into the house, I look at our phones still in their cage. It’s your fault, I want to yell at them. If we had been able to scroll, we might not have even spoken at the bar. I rinse my feet in the shower, and Xavier does the same right after me. As I walk out of the bathroom, I brush past him, and I am so aware of where he is, aware of his body, aware that we’re alone together in a house with beds and couches and many comfortable, warm places to do anything we like to each other. I need him out of my mind. I need to go to sleep and wake up and be yesterday’s Charlotte. Last week’s Charlotte.

I get into my pyjamas, but before I go to bed, I slip out of my room and knock on his door.

He opens it. He’s wearing shorts and no top.

‘Oh sorry,’ I say, averting my eyes. My weak mind cannot handle his bare chest right this second.

‘It’s okay,’ he says.

‘I was bringing you this,’ I say. ‘The first book in your reading syllabus.’

I give him a copy of Northanger Abbey and a spiral-bound notebook, a cheap one, because fancy ones carry too much pressure, and a pen.

‘Jane Austen?’ he says, raising his eyebrows.

‘You need to read all her novels in order.’ I’m frowning. Being stern and teacherly seems the fastest way to move past the Incident On The Beach.

‘Okay.’

‘I’m assuming you’ve only ever read Pride and Prejudice.’ Caleb used to speak dismissively of Austen and then it turned out he’d only ever read Pride and Prejudice once, in high school, and I suspect he didn’t even finish it.

‘How dare you assume that. I’m an English major. And a bestselling author.’