Page 92 of People Skills

Lana frowns slightly. A fun thing. I can see in her eyes she’s thinking, What does this person know about writing, who does she think she is? Writing isn’t fun. Writers are serious artists.

I look over to the doorway and see Xavier walking through it. Lana straightens up, her attention now solely on him.

Xavier is wearing a white shirt and jeans, his sleeves rolled up, and he unintentionally matches Lana. They’re both beautiful and glowing iridescent in white, like angels dropped from heaven. And I am in all black, the only person here in all black except for the waiters, and that feels significant too. I don’t understand the tone, the dress code, the way these people move through society. I am the help.

Xavier moves towards us, and I take a step backwards and to the side, to give him space with Lana. I would go back inside but I’m scared of Ettie.

‘The man of the hour,’ Graham says, as Xavier walks up.

It’s Ettie’s birthday, I almost want to remind him.

Hillary looks at him with annoyance. Maybe things aren’t back on after all. I want cynical, Graham-hating Hillary back, I can’t lie.

‘Hi everyone,’ Xavier says, hovering like he isn’t quite sure where to stand.

‘Xav,’ Lana says, stepping towards him, her voice low and intimate.

‘Hey,’ he says.

They look at each other, and my throat feels dry. God, I’m an idiot. I actually thought there was chemistry between Xavier and me, I thought I mattered to him, I thought he had a crush on me in the same way I had on him, but who do I think I am? I don’t belong here, with these people, successful, wealthy, all moving in the same circles. I’m an assistant, I’ll always be an assistant to them. Someone to be sidelined when no longer convenient.

I need air. I’m already outside though. I need inside air.

‘You cut your hair,’ I hear Lana say to Xavier as I move away.

Aggie is sitting on a lounge chair, and I walk over to cuddle her. She licks my hand and looks at me imploringly for a treat.

‘No treats, sorry girl,’ I say. I glance up and watch Xavier and Lana talking. They have moved away from the main group. Lana is sitting in a hanging chair, her dainty legs crossed at the ankle. She looks up at Xavier, and the lights give her skin an iridescent glow. God, this woman, who could say no to her? Hillary is right, they should get back together.

Hillary dings her fork against her glass and announces dinner is being served. Everyone starts to move inside. I put Aggie down and stand up and out of the corner of my eye, I see Lana reach out a hand and stop Xavier from walking in. The sight of her hand on his arm pains me, and it pains me even more that I am pained by it.

I don’t want to care, I don’t want to care.

27

XAVIER MEETS MY eyes as he sits down at the table. He and Lana came inside four and a half minutes after everyone else. I timed them, in between polite small talk, watching the second hand on Hillary’s big wall clock make its way around one, two, three, four, almost five goddamn times. What could they have said or done in almost five minutes? Lots of things between not much and a lot.

While we were waiting for them, my body getting tenser and tenser, Hillary had leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, ‘I really think they’re getting back together out there!’ and I had smiled weakly and tried to look excited. Did she mean she thought they were discussing resuming the relationship, or did she think they were literally hooking up in the garden mere metres from everyone else? I craned my neck but couldn’t see. They walked in not touching. They didn’t look rumpled. Lana was smiling, Xavier serious-faced.

I still don’t know if Xavier and I are fighting. I am trying to read something on his face about what happened with Lana, but he’s hard to read. I can’t even tell if he’s still mad at me.

I hate that I care so much about all of this.

‘How’s the writing going?’ Graham asks Xavier.

I watch Lana, who is seated beside me, lean forward to listen.

‘Good,’ Xavier says.

‘Graham, don’t pressure him,’ Hillary says, in a voice that tells me they discussed this beforehand.

‘I’m just asking a question, Hil,’ he says.

‘Let’s have one dinner where Xavier and his precious book isn’t the main topic,’ James says.

‘Hear, hear,’ Ettie says.

‘Well, birthday girl, where’s Robbie tonight?’ Graham says.