Page 122 of Bad Words

“Sometimes he toyed with potential suicides, painted and hung them like baubles upon the unlit Christmas tree in his mind, amused himself by breaking them open, pop, pop, as he turned the corner from Pine to Seventh, electrocution with household appliance, neighbor’s gun, paint his face like a clown’s before he pulled the trigger, so whoever found him would know at least he wasn’t a dour fuck about the whole thing, not like those people who splatter-painted their misery on the internet, he’d seen them, creating anthemic slogans from their animal ability to keep inhaling and exhaling, as though the audience should be impressed.” (5/7)

@LolaXu: And this asshole has the nerve to paint Selina Chan as hostile and unsympathetic? When HE has no sympathy for people struggling with these REAL PROBLEMS? Honestly even Dave, worst character ever, deserves so much better. Where’s the compassion for his suffering? Also where’s the impact on the character’s relationships? But Parker Navarro didn’t give him any close friends or family, of course, because people dealing with mental illness are just here to feel like a burden and push everyone away!! (6/7)

@LolaXu: I’m so tired. There are so many amazing books out there that show healthy and supportive angles on mental illness and this is the one Asian writer publishing decides to anoint and pay millions to, when there are so many worthy BIPOC writers who will never have a fraction of the opportunity he’s gotten? A man who thinks suicide is a joke, depressed people who have the audacity to talk about our experience are cringe, racism is okay, and then steps on other Asian writers in the name of his own ambition? We ALL deserve better. (7/7)

@hardertimes: @LolaXu Wow, thank you for the heads-up. If I wanted to read a book that sympathizes with racists, there are piles of fascists to choose from.

@RightyLoosey: @LolaXu Canceling my preorder, fuck this man, thank you for this

@chanelfour: @LolaXu Omg I sent him a nice message after the video and he seemed so friendly. Writers like this are so fake. Profit-driven pigs. My skin is crawling

@333marcar333: @LolaXu Guillotine

I set down Arthur’s phone, feeling sick. My skin was clammy. The air felt thick, obstructive, in the back of my throat.

I looked up at Arthur.

“I know,” he said.

He did. Arthur knew better than anyone the tunnels in my mind that I’d been dragging myself out of for fifteen years. Arthur, who’d returned from break in the spring of our senior year to find our apartment a labyrinth of filthy dishes and unwashed clothes. Arthur, who’d tried to fix things by cleaning my room, because I was in bed fifteen hours a day, and who had found the note I’d drafted sticking halfway out of a drawer. Arthur, who must have recognized one of those lines from Lola Xu’s chosen excerpt. I don’t want you to act like I was a dour fuck about this whole thing. Do me a favor and sprinkle some humor over it if you can.

And now, a decade later, part of me thought, Why didn’t I just do it then?

And another part of me thought, Has she seen this yet?

And I picked up my own phone and typed her name into the app, and then I saw what was, somehow, the worst of it.

Chapter Twenty-FourSelina

I sat at the window with my head in my hands, staring down at my phone.

When had Parker said this about me?

This magazine was based in San Francisco. Had he talked to the writer when he’d been home last month—after all our emails, after New Year’s?

I stood up abruptly. No. The interview could have happened after our panel in November, which would explain Christian Gatehead’s prominent placement.

Why does it matter? I thought, rereading the paragraphs describing him. Navarro has an easy manner that turns to hair-pulling distress as he describes Selina Chan’s first pan of his work. “I remember that day clearer than any single other day from my twenties…”

Who could say I hadn’t deserved this?

I tipped headfirst back into social media. Every moment, Lola’s thread was picking up new traction.

@Chinchillaaaa: @LolaXu I already knew he was trash after that shit he wrote in his first book, he literally has a guy thinking about women like they’re animals. Disgusting, evil person

@Sapiosapien: @LolaXu Not to be like “I knew Selina Chan was right the whole time” but I knew Selina Chan was right the whole time

Guilt rammed through the floodgates. Lola hadn’t cared about Parker until my review of High and Dry. I’d laughed with her, emboldened her. I hadn’t even tried to curtail her disdain when she’d tagged me in that post with his advance copy.

I pressed the heels of my palms against my closed eyelids, my head throbbing. I understood Lola, angry and disillusioned. I’d been each of these readers, exhausted by the exotic language that doused Asian characters, by Hollywood’s clouds of blue-tinted smoke diffusing over women in historically inaccurate hanfu, by the sensation that I had been born into a narrow and doorless room. But I didn’t see how this was reparative.

I hit Quote Reply on the post with the “little Chinese woman” excerpt, my heart in my throat.

@SelinaChan: @LolaXu Lola, respectfully, I think context matters here. Yes, this thought is racist, but the book’s primary interest is in how people fail to confront the worst patterns of their lives. Two of the most sympathetic side characters are a Chinese teenager and her elderly father, each looking for the other. Later on, Dave experiences a moment of identification with them, which complicates what you’ve quoted here. You know that I think the novel is unsuccessful, but I don’t think Asian readers have any need to take issue with it.

I hit Post, and the replies began to arrive, in a trickle at first, then a deluge.

@lemon_cello: @SelinaChan Are you brainwashed?? Did you buy everything this man said about you? You’re going to defend the “Asian people’s eyes are shaped the same” quote???