Page 56 of Bad Words

Elena

RIP my Noche Buena dinner with the whole fam :(

Not trying to put this on you park, just hoping you can still make it so you’re not stuck out there alone!!!

Justin

lost in new york for christmas huh? say hi to joe pesci lol

btw listen. dad told me a pipe burst in his place right before he flew out. I went over and it’s pretty bad. repairman says $700. no pressure if things are tight, I’ll figure something out.

I knew Justin hated sending these texts. At thirty-six, he was still renting in L.A. with his wife. He’d moved there to make it as a cinematographer and instead wound up opening a small barbershop, which was always just on the right side of solvent.

Parker

No, no worries, I got it.

Parker Navarro sent $700 with Apple Pay

Justin

ty

I spent Christmas Eve pacing my apartment, refreshing Google Flights, watching cars brutalize the whiteness of the snow. My neighbors salted the sidewalks and transferred heap after heap of gray sludge into the gutters, only for fresh layers to fall within the hour. I exercised with the blinds drawn, hoping the workout would stop the churning of my stomach, but instead I pulled a muscle in my elbow and had to sink the joint in a bowl of ice for half an hour.

Hi, Mom, I texted one-handed. I’m so sorry. There aren’t any flights NYC to SF tomorrow. I could probably fly out in two days, but everybody would be on their way to Manila.

And Manila was looking less likely by the hour. The tickets to the Philippines had cost $2,100, and changing the flight to a New York round trip would cost another thousand dollars. I still had no actual source of income. I needed High and Dry to sell copies; I needed to sell this next book to Lauren. I needed not to throw away that kind of money on airline fees.

My phone skittered across the table.

Mom

Miss you so much

Christmas Eve isn’t the same without you!

Parker

I miss you too, Mom. I’m so sorry about this. Can we all have a Christmas video chat tomorrow?

Mom

Yes if course we will video call

Of course

Going to see Kevy and Baby’s godparents in the morning

But I’ll ask your brothers and sisters about video time!

Lunch maybe

I folded my arms on the table and nestled my face into my forearms. Chaos and all, I loved Christmas, its cut-paper lanterns and its extravagant, hours-long meals, the endless playing of “Christmas in Our Hearts” over my mom’s speakers. The holiday had a way of showing me every side of my family at once, like cubism, Christi’s rigidity cut neatly into her pragmatism and reliability, Kevin’s immaturity unfolded alongside the games he’d conjure up to the kids’ delight.

It was sinking in: I was going to miss Christmas with my family this year, for the third time in my life and the first that didn’t involve a pandemic.

My phone buzzed again. I grabbed it up, but the notification wasn’t a tracked Google Flight or a family argument. It was a Venmo alert.