Page 58 of Back for Seconds

I braced myself, pinballing through the bread aisle, bouncing from confused husband to confused husband, too lost in their shopping lists to notice when they elbowed me directly in the spine. It seemed that maybe inertia would just carry me to my final destination, the back of the store where all the cleaning supplies and canned meat were kept. Bread turned into paper products which turned into cat food and then, abruptly, the husbands disappeared, and I was tumbling. I reached out, feebly grabbing for an end cap to save me when all of a sudden—

“Oh my god!” I yelped, almost spraining a shoulder muscle with the force of my startle.

“Jesus.”

Two hands came flying out of nowhere, grabbing a hold of me by the lapels of my peacoat. Suddenly, I was yanked steady and upright.

“I’m ok!” I spoke-shouted while vaguely fighting off the grabber. “Please! I’m ok!” My vision calmed and I looked up. “Joey.”

He was staring down at me with a look of blended shock and amusement. “You’re kinda strong.” He let go of my lapels, giving them a gentle pat. “Almost clocked me there, JB.”

“Well,” I huffed. “That was fucking scary. What’re you doing here?”

“This is where I do my shopping.” Joey narrowed his eyes at me. “What’re you doing here? Why didn’t you text me back?”

I held up my little basket. “First of all, I’m shopping. Second of all—wait, you texted me?”

“Damn, what the hell?” He reached for my basket. “You plannin’ on kidnappin’ someone?”

“What?!” I snatched my basket backward. “No. I have some things I need to hang outside. Let’s see what’s in your basket, Judge Judy.”

Joey frowned down his nose at me, crossing his arms behind his back. “That’s none of your business.”

“Oh, so that’s how it is?” I reached for his basket, but Joey stiff-armed me.

“Not so fast, Alfiero.”

“What, are you buying five tubes of foot ointment? Four boxes of antidiarrheals?”

“Yeah, and a partridge in a pear tree.”

I was just getting ready to really wrestle the basket away from him when a cloud of perfume filled our aisle along with a very familiar voice. Sandra.

“It’s your aunt,” I whispered. “Act like you’re in love with me.”

Joey’s jaw jumped with tension, dark eyes darting down toward me and then back again over my shoulder. “Oh, great. Just who I needed to see.” Then, at full volume with a sloping, charisma-stuffed grin, he called out to her: “Sandra, what are you doing here? Mr. T doesn’t do the shopping for you no more?”

She spun around on the heels of her ankle boots, hair flying left and right, before her eyes settled on us. “Joseph Pagano! Oh my gosh—” I was greeted like an old family member at a funeral, with a fragrant kiss on each cheek. “Oh, you two. Adorable. Just adorable. What’re you doing here?”

“I live on this side of town.” I held up my basket and gave it a little swing. “And I needed a few things.”

“Oh, sure. Oh…” Sandra said, that warm smile that she seemed to always be sporting spread as she looked down at my basket then over to Joey’s. “Oh.”

Her eyebrows fell. Her smile faltered. If I hadn’t had the good sense to follow her eyes and look down, I might have actually blurted out, What’s wrong?

But my eyes did follow hers.

Down to my basket: zip ties, duct tape, a box of rubber gloves.

And then, over to Joey’s. Moments before he managed to swing it out of view.

My face was firecracker red. Or maybe green, because I felt like I was going to puke. How festive.

“We didn’t come—” Suddenly, I had to cough. “Sorry,” I managed, clearing my throat. “We didn’t come together. Or, I mean, we didn’t know we were both going to be here. Um, Joey has actually never been to my house. Isn’t that right?”

Joey stared down at me, his face having gone a color akin to oatmeal or maybe regurgitated dog food. “Uh…huh.”

“Oh, sure. Of course, dear.” Sandra forced a slightly less convincing version of her usual grin. “You two have a…nice day.”