Page 101 of The Christmas Letter

Holly tried to match Lily’s light tone. ‘Sure, sounds great.’

She sat back down as her sister went to the bar and was quickly ushered to the front of the queue. Out of the two of them, Lily had always had more natural charm.

Holly smiled when Lily returned and put the mulled wine down in front of her – in a tall latte glass with a little handle, a slice of orange and a decorative cinnamon stick poking out the top. She took a sip, felt the spices warm her tongue.

‘You were right – this is great.’

‘It’s their own recipe,’ Lily said as she sat down. ‘I managed to get it from them, though I can never replicate it quite as well at home. It’s got all the usual spices like cinnamon and cloves and everything, but instead of brandy they use cognac, and they also add—’ She shook her head. ‘I’m so sorry. I’m babbling. I just . . . I can’t believe you’re really here.’

‘Me neither,’ Holly murmured.

Lily took a breath, and Holly felt her shoulders tense. ‘Holly. I’m sorry.’

‘What? Why are you sorry?’

Tears filled Lily’s eyes. ‘I’m sorry for what I said, four years ago.’

‘No, I’m sorry, Lily. I never even got the chance to say—’

‘Exactly. You never got the chance, because I didn’t let you. I just . . .’ She lifted a hand to smooth down her hair and Holly saw it was shaking. When she spoke again, she addressed the table. ‘I didn’t know what to do. When I lost the baby . . . I was not ok.’

Holly felt the ugly punch to her heart, but Lily ploughed on, clearly determined to say her piece.

‘I spiralled. I didn’t get out of bed for weeks; I lost my job because I couldn’t function. I had to go on medication.’

Holly placed her hands around her mulled wine, needing to take some of its warmth. She hadn’t known. She’d assumed Lily would be struggling, of course she had – that was what had made it all the more difficult, because she knew her sister was in pain and she wasn’t allowed to be there for her. But whenever she’d asked her parents, she’d always got a vague answer in response.

‘At first, I needed someone to blame,’ Lily continued, her voice unsteady. ‘But it shouldn’t have been you.’ She was still looking at the table, rather than at Holly.

She sounded like Jack. Holly thought about what he’d said at Abi’s wedding, about there being a reason they had met, so that they could each learn to see the other side of the story.

‘I will spend the rest of my life regretting what I said in that moment and how I let things go on for so long.’

‘So you don’t . . . You don’t blame me now?’ She closed her eyes as she spoke. She didn’t want to see her sister’s face, if the answer was not the one she hoped for.

‘Of course not, Holly.’

Holly’s eyes opened, and saw Lily’s, shining with tears.

‘It was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done. I realised that a long time ago. I just didn’t know how to tell you that. Even through my pain, I remember the look on your face and the hurt in your eyes when I told you to get out of my hospital room. And I put it there, and I didn’t know how to cope with that. And I’m so, so sorry I let you believe that it was your fault for so long, that I didn’t reach out before.’ She took a breath. ‘I didn’t know what to do, how to fix things.’

A small smile crept over her lips as they exchanged a look at that, and Holly knew Lily was thinking the same – of all the years Lily had told Holly to fix things.

‘I thought you would hate me, for the way I’d treated you. I thought it was why you never came around anymore. And I was still trying to get pregnant, and it wasn’t working, and I was distracted. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. So I let it go on. And on. And the longer it went on, the harder it was to see a way to reach out to you.’

Both of them, unsure how to reach out to the other. Could they have had this moment sooner, if Holly hadn’t been so scared too? But she pushed that thought aside – because they were here now.

‘I’m sorry too,’ she said eventually. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I thought you hated me.’

Lily dashed at a tear on her face. ‘I hated myself, for what I’d said to you. But I never hated you, Holly.’

‘I thought, in Venice—’

‘I’m sorry,’ Lily said again. ‘That was bad timing.’ She tried for a smile, but it crumpled. ‘I actually tried to call you back, later that day, but it said the line was engaged.’

‘You did?’ Lily nodded and Holly shook her head, trying to recalibrate what she’d thought over the last few years. ‘That was . . . Well, there was a lot going on that day.’

Lily frowned in question.