Page 42 of The Christmas Letter

She ran her hands up the front of his coat, spread her palms on his chest, wishing there was less material between them. She kept going, settling with placing her hands either side of his neck, on the bare skin there. The tiniest of shudders ran through him, and her whole body tightened.

Oh God. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to sink her teeth into that mouth, wanted to taste him. His dark eyes were level on hers as he bent his head towards her.

But she didn’t meet him halfway, the way she wanted to. Instead she took a low, shuddering breath. ‘Wait.’ Her voice scraped over her frayed nerves. His fingers tightened on her back one more time, then released. She dropped her hands too, took a step back.

‘Right.’ He ran a hand across the back of his neck. ‘Sorry.’

‘No. No, it’s not that. It’s . . .’ She pulled hands through her hair. ‘Look, before this goes any further, I have to tell you something.’

‘Tell me something?’

His expression went carefully neutral, and his gaze flickered to her left hand.

‘I’m not married or anything,’ she said quickly, though that only made his face tighten all the more – expecting something worse, no doubt.

‘I . . .’ God, why was this so difficult? ‘I really don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to spit it out. Jack, I know your grandmother.’

He stared at her for a long moment. ‘What? What are you talking about?’

‘Right so, I met her this Christmas and we’re . . . Well, we know each other. Emma Tooley. That’s her name, right? She lives in Devon, near the café where we first met.’

It was Jack, this time, who moved back – away from her, still looking at her with that same, unreadable expression. ‘Ok. So you know my grandmother,’ he repeated, his voice calm. Too calm.

‘Yes. She’s . . .’ She swallowed. ‘She is the reason I came to find you.’

Chapter Fourteen

Jack was still staring at her like he didn’t believe what she was saying and possibly a bit like she was off her rocker. ‘She was the reason you were in the café?’

‘No,’ Holly said quickly. Where before the park had faded into oblivion, now it came rushing back into focus – the joggers, the dog-walkers, the business types on their phones. No one was watching them, no one cared, but she felt suddenly on show, and the previously gentle noise of them all suddenly felt cacophonic. She took a breath of the crisp air to steady herself. ‘No,’ she repeated. ‘I only met her in December.’

‘I’m sorry, I still don’t understand. Why would you know her? And why would that make you look for me? And why wouldn’t you tell me any of this until just now? I mean, don’t you think you should have opened with this? You can’t be serious.’

She grimaced.

‘This is absurd. Absurd,’ he repeated. He turned, paced a couple of steps away, back again.

‘Jack, I—’

‘She told you about me?’ he bit out.

‘Well, yes, she—’

‘So she got you to track me down, did she? To befriend me, convince me to go and see her – is that it? Because that’s . . .’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t know what that is, Holly, but it’s not right.’

Shit, she was doing this all wrong. All this time she’d had to plan, to think, and here she was, blurting it out at the worst moment imaginable. This was why she should have listened to Abi. ‘It’s not like that. I—’

‘Jesus fucking Christ, Holly. I was about to kiss you! Here I was, thinking all of this was fate, but it was just a lie the whole time!’

‘I know, I should have told you sooner!’ She dragged a hand through her hair, felt it catch in a matt that hadn’t been there this morning. ‘I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I wasn’t expecting you to be you, and—’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Nothing,’ she said quickly – because she didn’t know exactly what she meant either, and everything she was saying just seemed to make the situation worse. She tried again anyway. ‘Nothing, it’s just . . . I recognised you, and then you invited me out and—’

‘So this is my fault,’ he said, deadpan. It reminded her enough of what she’d said to Daniel when he broke up with her that she winced.

‘No, I’m explaining this all wrong.’ She forced herself to take a very long, very slow breath. ‘Emma has cancer.’