Page 51 of The Christmas Letter

She patted him on the shoulder. ‘Shows you care.’

‘Of course I care.’

‘I’m sorry. That was a low blow.’

He met her gaze. ‘I loved you, Vanessa.’ It felt important that he say it – that she knew. He’d loved her, and no matter that things weren’t perfect, it had felt like something ripping inside him, when she’d made the announcement. Because she’d been his friend, first and foremost, and she wasn’t supposed to hurt him.

Something flashed in her eyes, and it took a moment for him to realise what it was. He’d put it in the past tense. Without even thinking about it.

With a sad sigh, he rested a hand on her shoulder, and she moved towards him, coming into his arms and laying her head on his chest, the way she’d done so many times before. They knew exactly how to stand with their arms wrapped around each other like this, knew how to position themselves just right.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said into her hair.

‘Me too. That kind of got lost there.’

He paused. ‘Maybe you were right. Maybe I was too ready to walk away.’ He hadn’t really considered it. But he realised now that she was right – he’d fled, the moment she’d told him, and he’d barely had a conversation with her since.

‘We are doing the right thing, aren’t we?’ Vanessa asked, her voice slightly muffled.

‘What, hugging or getting divorced?’

Vanessa huffed out a laugh. ‘Either. Both.’

He didn’t answer that. It was too late to change things now – and he knew he wouldn’t, even if he could.

She didn’t press him for an answer. Instead she eased back, and he dropped his arms away from her. ‘I saw a woman coming out of your office,’ she said, her voice careful. ‘Back in March, when we last spoke.’

‘Nothing happened.’ He said it too quickly, and it earned him a look. But it was true – nothing had happened. So why did it feel like it had? He’d wanted something to, that’s why. He’d forgotten in those stolen hours with Holly that he was a divorcee, that he was only thirty-two and already had a failed marriage behind him. He hadn’t really been thinking of much at all, while he was with her – for those few hours, she’d swept him away.

‘Is that so?’ Vanessa said wryly. ‘Because she was in a bit of a temper, the way only certain things can fire you up.’

‘It wasn’t like that,’ Jack insisted. Maybe it would be easier for Vanessa, if it were – even the balance, somehow, even though the divorce was already well underway by then. Maybe she was just curious the way he’d been curious about her. ‘I kind of had a go at her,’ he admitted.

‘You had a go at her?’ Vanessa repeated, her voice going up at the end.

‘Yeah. I was a bit “unreasonable” some might say.’ Holly might say, he thought.

‘Is that so? Unreasonable how?’

‘Does it matter? I shouted at her, said things I shouldn’t have and things I didn’t mean.’ Things he’d replayed in his head constantly since she stormed somewhat ungracefully from his office, her red hair flying behind her.

‘Hmm. Have you seen her since?’

‘No. I sent her a message,’ he admitted. ‘She didn’t answer.’ He’d only said he was sorry, and that he hoped she got back home safely – he hadn’t asked a question or anything. But still, no answer. And really, who could blame her?

Vanessa was looking at him in a way that felt assessing.

‘Why are you staring at me like that?’

‘Because you never had a go at me, Jack,’ she said, smiling sadly. ‘Even after I told you I’d slept with someone else.’

They looked at each other for a long moment, then Jack took a step back away from her. ‘I’d better go. I appreciate you trying to be my friend here, but I don’t think we’re there yet.’

‘But maybe we will be?’ Vanessa asked. ‘One day, I mean. Maybe we’ll get there?’

‘Yeah. Maybe.’ He felt a pang, then, for the friends they’d once been. He hadn’t realised how much he’d missed that friendship – not just in the last nine months, but before then.

He headed for the hallway, turning to face her when he got to the door. What did you say to someone, in this situation? ‘Thanks for the drink,’ he said. Probably not that, he admitted to himself. But maybe there wasn’t a right thing to say.