Page 54 of The Christmas Letter

‘Because I’m a dick,’ he said, and it got a small smile from her. ‘And because I was angry, and I thought it was easiest, to let you believe it.’

She nodded slowly. ‘And now you want to, what, set the record straight? After telling me, if I remember correctly, to get out of your face?’

He winced, ashamed of himself for his words, and this time he didn’t think he stopped it from showing.

She sighed. ‘Ok, we can go somewhere.’

‘We can?’

She gave him a look. ‘Why did you come, if you didn’t think I’d say yes?’

He gave a sheepish shrug. ‘I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.’

She cocked her head, her hair spilling to one side. This time, there was something lighter in her eyes. ‘Well, I can understand that, at least. Come on,’ she said, picking up her tote bag and starting across the car park, fumbling in her bag for keys. ‘I’m not inviting you back to my flat, but I know somewhere we can go.’

And, following behind her, Jack allowed himself a small smile.

Holly parked the car up against a line of evergreen trees, and Jack released his hand from the seatbelt, flexing his fingers as he unbuckled it. He saw Holly glance at his hand, knew she’d noticed it. He still wasn’t very good at being a passenger in a car, even so many years later. Driving, he was fine with – you were in control when you were driving. He wasn’t scared, exactly, when he was a passenger, but he’d got into a habit of holding the seatbelt, and he always felt a bit tense, even if he only realised it when he saw other people noticing. You’d think he’d have got over it by now, but he couldn’t quite shake it.

‘You’re taking me to a castle?’ Jack asked, before she could say anything about it. They couldn’t see Windsor Castle from the car park, but Jack had caught a glimpse of it on the way in.

‘It was the first place I thought of.’

‘The first place you thought of was a castle?’ Jack asked, shooting her a little smile as he got out the car.

She emptied her tote bag on the back seat of her car, then shoved her phone and keys in it before slinging it over her shoulder, much lighter now. ‘Well, this is Windsor. And besides, I’m not taking you to the castle, I’m taking you to the grounds,’ she said, putting on a grand voice as she locked her car – a little green Clio. ‘Abi has a membership to the park so she gets free parking, and I can use it too.’

‘Who’s Abi?’ Jack asked, following Holly.

She glanced up at him as they walked. ‘The woman from the car park. My friend.’

‘Ah.’ It was a reminder of how little they knew each other. And then of how much he’d overreacted to her telling him about Emma – because yes, he still thought she should have told him earlier, rather than pretending to know nothing about him, but they’d only met up twice in London, a little over four hours in total, so it wasn’t like she’d betrayed some kind of trust after months of dating.

Jack matched his stride to Holly’s as she headed for the entrance. He saw the sign – Windsor Great Park, The Savill Garden. He’d never been here – to the castle or the gardens. She led him through a glass building where a small crowd of people were milling around, and, after taking care of all of the admission details, he followed her out at the other side. She seemed to do everything at speed, and he couldn’t help admiring the constant energy fizzing off her, like a background hum. The type of energy that made you feel it too, just by being near her.

She shot him a glance and he looked away from her, putting his thumbs through the belt loops in his jeans as he scanned the garden. Though ‘garden’ was hardly an appropriate word for the scale of this place. He wasn’t really sure where to look first – there was no end in sight, and the way the different paths wove out in front of them hinted at various corners to explore. It was bright green and full of colour, and though there was no shortage of people milling about, some with binoculars round their necks and wearing impressive sunhats, Jack could still hear the hum of insect life in the bushes to his left.

‘There are different bits you can visit,’ Holly said. ‘Like the summer garden, the spring wood, the autumn wood.’ She frowned. ‘I’m not sure if there’s a winter wood. I guess winter’s not a good time for gardens.’ She seemed to think about that for a moment, then shrugged. ‘Still, let’s go this way.’ She struck out confidently, heading for a path through a woodland area, and Jack followed, his brain calculating the way the garden must have been put together. It was a cool idea, to organise it around the seasons – presumably each part of the garden would come alive at different times, so that there was always something to enjoy.

‘So,’ Holly said, and Jack immediately looked at her. She was looking straight ahead, though. ‘The divorce is official?’

‘Yes.’ Jack hesitated. ‘As of today.’

Holly visibly jolted, like she’d walked into something. ‘Today! Jack, what—?’

‘I got the piece of paper today,’ Jack said, his voice firm. ‘But it’s just a piece of paper. It turns out that it’s not that easy – or quick – to just “get” a divorce.’

‘I suppose that’s because it should mean something,’ Holly muttered.

Jack winced. ‘Yeah. I suppose so.’ And wasn’t that an echo of what Vanessa had said? That if it was right, it shouldn’t have been so easy to walk away from?

‘Sorry,’ Holly said on an outward breath. ‘Not my place.’

‘That’s alright. Maybe I deserved it.’

Holly turned right, down a grass path, perfectly mown, the green vibrant under the blue sky. The herbaceous borders were impressive – different colours and plants all offsetting each other perfectly, in a way that made him wish he could stop to study it properly. He looked away from the plant life, though, and at Holly instead.

‘I’m sorry, for not explaining properly.’ She kept walking. ‘And I’m sorry if . . . I shouldn’t have lashed out like that, when you brought up Emma. It was just a shock. And it’s something I don’t really like to be reminded of.’