Page 67 of The Christmas Letter

Holly grinned. ‘So we can paint their faces?’

And finally, Lily caved. ‘Fine. Come on, then.’

‘You want my advice?’ Emma said in the present.

‘Do I get a choice?’

‘Mend things now, before it’s too late. Let it go on too long, and you might run out of time.’ Holly heard the slight bitterness in her voice.

‘Have you heard anything from Jack?’ she asked tentatively. She’d wanted to ask ever since she gave Jack Emma’s number in June. Had thought he might at least send Emma a message. She’d wanted to ask Emma about Jack inviting her to the memorial too – maybe the invite had never made it to her, for instance. But she couldn’t do that without revealing she’d spoken to Jack, so she was kind of stuck.

Emma had said nothing about Jack, so Holly wasn’t surprised when she said, with a slight frown, ‘No, why would I have?’

‘No reason,’ Holly said quickly. ‘I just wondered.’

‘Hmm.’ Emma gave her a suspicious look.

‘Emma?’ Holly said after a beat. ‘Would you want to call him? If I could . . . track him down, I mean?’ She ignored the worm of guilt wriggling its way through her stomach lining. It wasn’t an outright lie, just . . . the absence of a time frame. And if Emma said yes, that would make it ok, right?

But Emma’s lips tightened – not a good sign. ‘Maybe you ought to try fixing your own family situation,’ she said, ‘rather than keep pushing into mine.’

Holly winced. ‘That’s not fair,’ she said, her voice almost a snap – because actually, maybe there was something in it. ‘I—’

‘You’re right,’ Emma said, shaking her head. ‘It wasn’t fair. I’m sorry. I’m just – I’m feeling a little tired at the moment. It’s getting to me.’ She sighed, pushing back her wavy grey hair. ‘Look, Holly, there’s something I haven’t told you about that day. Something I should have said a while ago.’

Holly’s stomach tensed, but she said nothing, waited for Emma to continue.

‘The car crash, the one that killed Richard.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I was the one driving. That’s what drove us all apart – that’s why Jack doesn’t want to see me.’

Holly tried to school her face into something appropriate, though she wasn’t sure what that would be – shock? She aimed for shock, but Emma narrowed her eyes. ‘You knew.’

‘No, I—’

‘My girl, you have many fine qualities, but lying is not one of them. How did you find out? Did you look it up?’

Holly squirmed. She should tell her. Tell her that she tracked Jack down in London, that she’d seen him in Windsor too, that she had his goddamn phone number saved on her mobile. She shouldn’t be lying to Emma like this. Well, actually she shouldn’t have got involved in the first bloody place – though, in all fairness, if she hadn’t hunted Emma down after getting her letter then they wouldn’t be sat outside under the Venetian sun sipping an Aperol Spritz right now.

‘No,’ she said slowly. ‘I didn’t look it up.’

‘Then what—’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Holly interrupted quickly. ‘Why didn’t you tell me, when I told you about Lily?’

Emma sighed. ‘Holly, you were basically a stranger when we first had that conversation.’

‘But I told you,’ Holly pressed. ‘And fine, ok, you didn’t want to say anything then, but why not later?’

The lines around Emma’s mouth grew white. ‘It’s not something I like to own up to. It’s not something I like to remember. Richard, my son, died, and I was the one driving. If anyone can understand that, it’s you.’

Emma gave her a very level look, one that made Holly’s chest tighten. Because that’s what she’d thought – it was why she thought Emma would have told her. But she saw it the other way too, now – Emma thought she’d understand why she wouldn’t want to talk about it, because, while Holly had told Emma, there were many people she would never tell. Even Daniel didn’t know the full story of what had happened that day.

‘And that,’ Emma continued, her voice a little softer, ‘is why I’m telling you now.’ Holly nodded, felt her eyes sting and blinked rapidly to cover it up.

‘But you are deliberately avoiding answering the question,’ Emma continued, more briskly now, leaning forward and bridging her fingers on the table. ‘I want to know how—’

But Holly was saved from the interrogation by the sound of Emma’s phone. Both of them looked down to where it sat on the table, to see Pam FaceTiming.

Emma lifted her phone and jerked her head at Holly to indicate she should come round to her side of the table. Holly got up, walked round, and crouched down in front of the screen to see Pam sitting in her living room, on her plush cream sofa, holding a glass of red wine in a way that seemed dangerous.