Page 77 of A Winter Wish

Lexie hesitated, before asking the question she wanted to ask. “When did you know that it wasn’t going to work out with Dad?”

She’d worried the question might be hurtful, but her mum only seemed thoughtful. “Do you know what? I’ve asked myself this plenty of times. I’ve tried to remember if there was a moment when I thought, OK, this is it. But I don’t think there was—not until after he left. Richard was…” She pursed her lips, thinking. “He was always looking for something better. Not just in a relationship. I mean that he was often convinced there would be something better out there, in terms of a job, or a place to live, or whatever. When I first met him, I loved that about him. It had seemed optimistic, and I loved that he always wanted to go new places, experience new things—that he thought you didn’t just have to stick with what you had. But when we had you, I wanted to give you some stability—I guess I’d outgrown always searching for the “better”—I thought I’d already found it. But I don’t think he had outgrown it yet.”

Lexie couldn’t help comparing herself to Richard. Was that what she was doing, by always moving from place to place? Was she always looking for the “better” out there? She remembered too what Theo had told her, about how her dad was so determined to help him stick with something. That didn’t sound like the type of man who was always searching for the next thing. Maybe her dad had realized that “better” was something you worked at, not something you found.

“When he met Jody…” her mum continued, and Lexie scanned her face, to check for any sign that this was a hard conversation for her. It was why she’d never asked before—the fear of upsetting her mum. “I think he genuinely loved her. I was bitter enough, back then, to think he only wanted her because she was new, and young, and exciting. But I think he loved her, in a different way than he’d ever loved me—and that was hard to accept, for a very long time. It made me feel not good enough, and I think that’s why it took me so long to, well…”

She blew out a breath and Lexie put her arm around her shoulders, squeezed. She wanted to tell her mum that she was good enough, but she knew firsthand that it wasn’t always that simple—and that this was something that had taken years to fix, years when Lexie had been only a child.

“Our relationship was on the rocks before that, in all honesty. It’s something I didn’t want to admit. It was easier, at the time, to be angry, and to cast Jody as the villain of the piece. Richard too. It was easier to believe that they had stolen all of my happiness, when really, things hadn’t been very happy for some time.”

“From what I’ve heard about Jody, I don’t think she’s exactly a hero,” Lexie couldn’t help muttering.

Her mum gave her a searching look, then said, “No. Well, people are complicated, aren’t they? But what I mean is, we’d stopped working, as a couple. It wasn’t anything major, but we were sort of existing around each other, rather than with each other. Relationships take work—and eventually I realized it wasn’t just him who’d stopped putting in that work. And then Jody came along and I suppose all those little cracks exploded into chasms. I think maybe then I wanted to try—but it was already too late.”

It wasn’t easy to hear. It felt to Lexie like her mum was putting herself down—because Richard had still been the one to leave for someone else, hadn’t he?

Her mum seemed to be reading her mind, because she took Lexie’s hand in hers and said, “I don’t blame him, Lexie. Not anymore. I don’t think, in hindsight, we were right together. I’m not sure we would have been the happy family I’d imagined. And I don’t think you can always help who you fall in love with—or when.”

“But Jody’s so…” She wanted to say awful, but she caught herself in time. She wasn’t sure how Rachel would feel about her relaying her issues with her mum. Instead she said, “I met with Rachel recently.”

She said it carefully—she’d never really talked about her sister with her mum before. But her mum only smiled.

“She said something that made me…Well, she said that she thought Jody had been worried that Dad might leave them. That he might come back—to us.”

It wasn’t a question, because she didn’t really know what she wanted to ask. But her mum nodded slowly. “He spoke to me at one point, when Rachel was, I don’t know, around one or two I think. Jody was…Well, I don’t really know the ins and outs of it—I never wanted to. I think maybe—not unlike your father at times—she was a little caught up in the idea of what something should be, and perhaps less willing to adjust when things didn’t quite match up to what she’d expected. And it sounded to me like she’d had a hard time, when Rachel was first born, and I’m not sure if that’s why, or whether she just wasn’t the person he’d thought she was when he married her, but he was having doubts.”

“He wanted to leave her,” Lexie said flatly, and her stomach contracted painfully—because somewhere over the last few months, she’d stopped wanting to see her dad this way.

“I think it was more that he wanted to come back to us, actually. He said he thought he’d made a mistake by leaving us. But he didn’t know what to do, because leaving Jody would be making the same mistake again, and she was also saying that if he left her, she’d stop him from seeing Rachel. But by that point, I didn’t want him to come back, not to me. It was too late by that point. I think he was searching for greener pastures in a difficult moment, and was scared he’d left the greenest one behind. It may just have been a moment of panic, because he felt like he was losing you, but I told him no. I wish he’d been around for you more, but us staying together wouldn’t have been for the best for anyone. I also told him that leaving Jody didn’t sound like it would solve anything—that you have to really put the effort in to make things work. And apparently, he agreed—because he stayed, and he tried to make it work. And do you know what? Weirdly, I was kind of proud of him for that.”

Lexie heard the estate agent’s phone ring down the corridor. She stood up off the bed, knowing they had to leave. If anything, what her mum told her just made it even more incomprehensible that Richard had stayed with Jody, given she had held Rachel over his head like a threat. But maybe her mum was right—maybe her dad had finally grown up a bit, and decided to make the best he could of it for Rachel.

Her mum stood too, linking her arm through Lexie’s as they headed to find the estate agent. “I know this must be weird to hear. But all I’ve got is that people are complicated—and what they do or don’t do doesn’t always make sense. I suppose all we can do is try to learn from our mistakes and do the best we can. And if it’s any consolation…I think that’s what Richard was trying to do, when he stayed with Jody and Rachel. I think he was trying to learn from his mistakes. And I think his company may have been a little about that, too.”

Lexie nodded, not quite trusting herself to speak. None of this really made up for anything—but it did offer her a glimmer of understanding, and that was something.

You can’t help who you fall in love with. That’s what her mum had said. Unbidden, Theo’s face flashed into her mind, even as she fought not to let it. No point in pretending, though, was there? He was the reason she’d be staying, if she took this flat. That, and maybe, just a little, the company, too. Maybe she should give them both a chance—and stop wondering if the grass was always greener elsewhere.

So when she shook the estate agent’s hand as they were let out, she said that yes, she would like an application form, please. And felt her mum squeezing her hand, like she was telling her it was the right decision.

Chapter Twenty-nine

Lexie raised her knuckles to knock on the flat door but then lowered her hand again. She paced away in the little space at the top of the stairs, then turned around. She’d filled in the application form for the flat last night and had just found out this morning that she’d gotten it. She had to put the holding deposit down by the end of the day, but she wanted to talk to Theo about it first. She just wasn’t sure exactly how to talk about it. Was she asking if he wanted to go all in—actually try to make this a relationship? Was she telling him that she wanted to keep the company? Her thoughts were panicked and muddled, and she took a breath to try to calm herself.

She knocked on the door, and Theo was smiling when he opened it. It was the type of smile to make the amber in his eyes light up. She felt her breath loosen a bit.

“Hey, Lex. What’s up?”

“Hey. So, I wondered if we could talk for…” She trailed off as she caught sight of Mike over Theo’s shoulder. She bit her lip. “Sorry. Is this a bad time?” She hadn’t realized there was a meeting. Then again—surely it wasn’t a proper meeting, otherwise she’d have been invited?

“Never a bad time for you.” He opened the door wider, gestured her inside.

Mike gave Lexie a look she couldn’t quite interpret, before turning back to Theo. “I should go, then.”

“I’ll walk you down,” Theo offered. “Make yourself at home, Lexie.”

Mike gave her a polite nod as he and Theo left—leaving Lexie alone in Theo’s flat. It was weird—she’d been up here plenty of times for work, but now, since Ireland, there was something strangely intimate about it. Her phone buzzed, and she laughed as she saw a WhatsApp from Theo.