Page 93 of The Cul-de-Sac War

He glanced down to the growing crowd and typed into Google, Abingdon VA Livestock Trade April 15.

The first few hits involved the weekly Abingdon cattle auction market report, and the Virginia Cattlemen’s Association covered the rest.

His phone began to ring. He ignored it.

Frustration building, he typed Insane Abingdon Neighbor Bree Leake and, surprisingly, nothing showed up.

Trying to hang on to his composure, he avoided banging the keys with his hands.

The time on the phone said 7:16 a.m. He had approximately fifteen minutes to sort this out before he had to be in a meeting with the Bank of Abingdon—the only bank of the five he’d contacted interested enough to want to meet. Could he leave his house unprotected from these people?

From her?

In the yard, a woman was kicking his gutter lightly with her shoe. The elbow joint fell off.

His phone rang again, the number unavailable.

He snatched it up.

“Hello?”

“Yeah, I’m calling about your ad on Craigslist.”

An ad. On Craigslist.

He swiftly began typing as he spoke. “What about it?”

“I’m just wanting to make sure this isn’t some sort of joke.” There was rustling in the background. “I got several cattle here that I could trade, but I don’t want to haul them out if this isn’t legitimate. You mind confirming before I load up?”

Load up. Cattle.

“Um.” Chip typed in his address. Sure enough, a result popped up clear as day on his screen.

Bingo.

He sat back. Stared.

Unbelievable.

“Sir?”

“Right. Um, no, this isn’t legitimate. And if you talk to anyone else, please tell them.”

He hung up, and his phone drifted down from his ear as he took it all in.

There, on the screen, under the Housing Swap tab, was the headline “Livestock Trade for House in Need of Massive Renovation.”

Massive. He took offense at that.

He scanned the ad:

Will Trade House for Livestock

Single man in over his head with financial burden and no marital prospects has decided to give up suburbia for hermit living. Wants: livestock for his hobby farm. Willing to trade: decrepit house in otherwise nice Abingdon, VA neighborhood. Great neighbors. All offers considered. Note: Please bring at least one example animal from livestock offered for demonstration and inspection on offer. Will be considering offers until midnight, April 15.

She had included his phone number.

Simultaneously, his phone started to ring and knocking resumed.