Page 70 of Racing Hearts

“You’ve been with me through my big changes, Kath. My ups and downs. Triumphs and defeats. I suppose for some you were too young to truly understand what was happening, but you seemed to see so much, even when you were tiny. It hasn’t always been easy to have you witness all that. But I hope what you might take from it is a lesson about change. Life. It’s fleeting. All we have is this moment, right now. I’m fortunate enough to be in a happy one. But I can’t know how long that will last. So, I will enjoy every moment I have.”

A couple of weeks ago, this speech would have sounded a bit ridiculous to me. Not because it isn’t true that the present is important, but also because life is nothing without goals. But maybe the mini golf and corn dogs have addled my brain, though, because there is something in there that resonates.

“So,” I say cautiously, “you’re saying—to stay focused on the present with Adrian?”

She nods. “Maybe this summer is all you have. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it.”

There’s something both comforting and oddly rational about this idea. Maybe there is a solution here. Something that will prevent me from getting consumed by Adrian. A way to be with him without losing control of myself in the process.

Adrian and I shouldn’t have a future. Hopefully, I’ll move back to the training center after Pan Ams. He will either stay here or move to Florida for the junior development job. We’re only together for the summer. Maybe that fact—that we can’t have a future—makes it easier. We can enjoy each other’s company and then go our separate ways. Knowing that this will end will make that inevitable end easier. Knowing this will keep me from losing control.

“Mom,” I say, “I think you’ve just given me some very good advice.”

She leans across the table to pat my arm and press a kiss to my temple. “I’m glad.”

Twenty-Two

Adrian texts me when he gets back to his office in the boathouse a couple of hours later. I find him hunched at his desk wearing his recruiting uniform: a crisp button-down with sleeves rolled up to the elbows. Through his half-open door, my eyes snag on the muscles descending his forearms. My fingers curl around the doorknob as I remember the way those muscles flexed under my fingertips.

I take a steadying inhale, trying to get a grip.

Adrian glances up. A cautious smile unfurls.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey yourself.” I bump the door open wider with a shoulder.

“I’m glad you came by.” His face is unreadable as he watches me press my back against the door to click it shut. “Your note…It was very you.”

“What does that mean?”

“I have no idea whether to be nervous or excited about this conversation.”

I lower myself into the guest chair and Adrian shoves aside a stack of books so our line of sight isn’t obstructed. As he waits, I press my palms into my thighs, trying to hide the fact that I’m wiping away a sheen of sweat.

“I don’t want to be cryptic,” I tell him, “but I think that depends.”

“On what?”

“Whether you’re up for…” I gesture a finger between us. “A next time.”

Adrian’s laugh unfurls with the ease of a ringing bell. “You had me worried there.”

“Is that yes?”

“Yes, it’s a yes. I would repeat last night”—he mimics my gesture—“as many times as you asked.”

My mouth erupts in an uninvited grin. I shove it back, though. We’re far from done with this conversation. “Right. Well, I have forty-six days until I leave for Pan Ams.” I keep my tone light even as I continue to choose my words carefully. “So, if we see each other every other—”

“We’re making another program here?” he teases.

“No. I’m just clarifying my intentions.”

“Your intentions?”

“About us.”

A line creases between Adrian’s eyebrows. “Go on.”