Page 117 of Savage Heart

“I hope no one else gets it,” Dad says.

“Everyone take your vitamins,” Mom says, unable to help herself.

“We’re gonna stand by you, Son,” Dad says, glancing at me again. “All of us.” He looks around the table like he’s daring anyone to argue.

“Of course we are,” Grady says. “And we’ll be here if she lets you down too.”

“When she lets you down,” Cameron adds.

“She’s not going to let me down,” I say. “I’m the one who’s let her down all these years.”

No one knows what to say to that.

“I’m asking you not to say another harsh thing about her. She’s endured enough at our hands. From me, most of all. But I’m going to try my best to make it right.” I stand up. “Thanks for taking time out to talk.”

They all stand too, and we hug each other, I love yous echoing between all of us.

We’re nowhere close to perfect, but I think . . . I hope . . . everyone will eventually be all right.

Chapter 30: Secrets

Iris, age nineteen

I wake up to Linc crying.

It’s the fussy, restless cry, not the one when I don’t reach him soon enough or when he’s hangry. I roll onto my side and stare at the wall of the trailer. The light coming through the blinds is thin and gray. Morning. Already.

My body feels heavy, like someone piled rocks on my chest in the night. I know I should get up and reach for him right away, but I’m just so tired. I lie there and try to convince myself I can do another day.

“Shut him up!” my mom yells from the other end of the trailer. “Make him stop!”

The words hit before my feet even touch the floor.

I stumble out of bed and scoop Linc out of his bassinet, pressing him to my chest. He’s warm and soft, and I don’t know how I could’ve waited even for a second to get him out of bed. He’s the best thing to ever happen to me. I still can’t believe he’s mine.

He stops crying immediately.

“Hey, baby,” I whisper. “Mama’s here.”

Usually when he cries, I cry too. It feels like every part of my body leaks now.

Motherhood is messy.

I’m glad to not be pregnant anymore, though.

I change his diaper, wishing the cloth was a little softer, and he starts to cry again, so I move faster. My mom yells something else from the other room. I take Linc back to my bed and nurse him, and he settles, his eyes fluttering shut.

I love him so much it hurts. But loving someone this completely doesn’t cancel out the darkness.

I know I’m depressed. Everything feels hopeless. I don’t know what I’m doing, so I just keep him clean and changed and fed. There are no instructions, and my mom certainly isn’t sharing any.

She’s hardly even looked at him. As long as the rent gets paid, she pretends we’re not here. I’m just glad she didn’t throw me out.

I look down at Linc’s face, relaxed now, his lashes dark against his cheeks. He’s so cute.

“I’m gonna get better at this,” I tell him. “I promise.”

Kell and Russell have been so sweet. They brought a car seat over a couple weeks before I had Linc. They’ve never had any kids, and I feel bad that I have one without even trying, but they’ve never made me feel that way. Kell has even come over a couple of times to hold him while I shower. Otis has been amazing too. He drove us home from the hospital and comes by every day to make sure we’re okay.