Page 94 of Knot Your Pawn

And I hope that the older kids will be able to find people who’ll make them feel safe and protected, to ease the pain from their memories, to create new happier memories. That they’ll get the help they need as soon as possible, instead of having to struggle through it on their own, like I had to.

That’s all that I really want from the raid, to give those kids better lives, better futures.

Taking that one brothel down won’t do much to harm the Hearts.

Sure, they won’t like it and some people are going to get punished for letting it happen, but it ultimately won’t be a big deal to the Hearts as a whole.

Still, taking down that specific brothel will feel good on a personal level, because of my history with it, because of Luca’s history with it. And it means that we’ve cut off at least this particular part of their income and business.

But my main reason for needing to do this is so that I can hopefully prevent more kids from going through what I went through.

So that they won’t end up in my situation. So that they’ll have more and better choices in life.

I don’t mind my position, my job.

But I’m an outlier.

I pretty quickly caught on that I’m good at running an organisation, that I’m good at making deals, reading people and getting shit done. I caught on that I have no problem with intimidating people and if that doesn’t work, making good on my threats.

That’s me, that’s who I am. It’s why I’m good at my job.

Most people, I would say the majority, aren’t like that. They would not be able to live like I did.

I went from one precarious situation to another one, the danger was different, but it still wasn’t a safe place, especially not when I first took over.

Before Derrick and the others joined me.

I want those kids to get a normal education and then go on to get normal jobs. I want them to have normal lives.

Boring lives, maybe, but normal.

Where the most danger they’ll encounter each day is turning onto the highway on their way to work and hoping that nobody falls asleep behind the wheel during their morning commute.

Or something like that.

I don’t actually know what ‘normal’ people fear in their daily lives, but that sounds pretty scary.

A light sound catches my attention and I jump up, nearly toppling my chair. I’ve got my knife in front of me, ready to protect myself, when I recognise Riley’s shape in the shadows of the library.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.” She shuffles in my direction, rubbing her eyes.

Her long hair is a mess and she’s wearing an over-sized nightshirt she made, the one Vera loves so much because the fabric is really soft and it’s got alternating stripes of what Vera calls ‘light honey and light wisteria’, light yellow and light purple for the rest of us.

I put the knife away and pull my chair close again, sitting down.

“Can’t sleep?” I try to calm my heart.

I hadn’t even noticed her footsteps before she was this close. I was way too far gone in thoughts. Fucking hell.

That doesn’t usually happen to me.

“Woke up. You weren’t there.” She pulls out the chair next to mine and sits on it like she doesn’t have any bones, like she’s going to slide right off. “Why are you still working? You should sleep.”

I stare at the maps in front of me. “Can’t.” I let out a chuckle without any joy. “Probably because I took a nap with Vera and Luca this afternoon. My brain’s working too hard to fall asleep right now.”

“Ah.” She turns one of the maps so she can take a better look. “Not looking forward to going back in, I presume?”

“Part of it, yes.” Thinking of going back into that building is giving me shivers. “But I’ve always known I would have to do it at some point. I’ve always known that I’d go back in, see the same places as before, walk through those hallways.”