Page 10 of Five Things I See in You

“How are you feeling?”

I delete it before I finish it.

I focus on doing my job because that way I don’t think. Nobody notices anything.

At lunch I’m at my usual table, in the corner of the cafeteria, and Noa is eating alone three tables away, quickly, without looking up from her plate. My whole body is screaming at me to go over. Luckily, common sense reminds me it’s better not to. Common sense wins. For now.

I spend the weekend at home. I try to keep busy. I do the grocery shopping, clean the bathroom, answer emails that could have waited. I try to read a novel and can’t concentrate.

On Saturday I walk to Ballard and have a coffee across from the coffee shop I recommended to her. I don’t go in. I tell myself I just went out for a walk, but I keep my eyes on the door in case Noa shows up.

On Monday I go straight to Tessa’s office because I can’t take it anymore.

“You look terrible,” she says when she sees me check the hallway for anyone before closing the door.

“It’s about Noa Reeves. And about me,” I admit, sitting down across from her.

Tessa puts her pen down on the desk and raises her eyebrows.

“About Noa Reeves and about you,” she repeats very quietly.

I put my hands on my knees and let it all out at once, practically shaking.

“I drove her home and held her hand at every red light. When I parked, I kept my hand on top of hers while she told me things about her father that I don’t think she’s told many people. Then she went upstairs and I stayed there in front of the building, my heart pounding.”

“Holding her hand during a panic attack might not mean anything… or it might.”

I take a breath.

“I have feelings for her. I don’t know when it started and it doesn’t matter. I knew for sure in that parking lot. While we were talking, all I wanted was to kiss her.”

“Damn it, Jordan,” she sighs, bringing her hands to her head. “Okay, this needs to stop as soon as possible. You know that, right? You haven’t told her anything, have you? Wait, have you told her?”

“No, I don’t even think she’s noticed anything,” I tell her.

“Okay, then we need to put a stop to this now. You run the team’s mental health department. There was already controversy with Zoe and me, but with a psychologist… ugh, I don’t even want to think about what could happen. We’d end up in every newspaper for sure, and that’s not good for anyone. Least of all for her.”

“As of this moment, I’m stepping away from any decision that affects Noa. The follow-up, the reports, any contact she requests from now on: it all goes to Valeria.”

Tessa nods slowly.

“I’d also like to propose an external referral. Dr. Amara Osei. She has a practice in Fremont and she specializes in anxiety. She has a lot of experience with professional athletes. The best thing for Noa is to have her see someone outside the club, because I have a feeling this wasn’t her first panic attack.”

“All right, I’ll talk to Valeria today and set up the referral with that doctor. Who’s going to tell Noa?”

“Me. I’ll do it this afternoon. I’m not delegating that,” I say before leaving, as she reminds me to maintain professional distance at all times.

***

That same afternoon I ask Noa to stop by my office after training. She shows up in her tracksuit, hair wet from the shower, her bag hanging from her shoulder. She sits on the edge of the chair, hands on her knees, like she’s waiting for bad news.

“Did I do something?” she asks, confused.

“Huh? No, no. Nothing,” I answer quickly. “It’s just that… Look, I wanted to tell you myself before you hear it from someone else. As of today, I’m stepping away from any decision that affects you within the program. If you want follow-up, Valeria will handle it.”

Noa nods without asking anything, but her hand closes tightly around the strap of her bag.

“I’ve also arranged an external referral, if you want it. I’d strongly recommend that you do it. Dr. Amara Osei, in Fremont. She specializes in performance anxiety and has experience with elite athletes. It’s all confidential, of course, and I think it’s the best option for you.”