Page 269 of What We Become

“I hate that this is the thing that finally defeats me.”

He glances up. “French toast?”

“The concept of possibility.”

“That one’s a menace.”

I laugh, although my eyes are still wet. He kisses my forehead and steps back.

I pee in the cup.

There is no dignified way to fill a cup with pee and dip three different pregnancy tests in while your husband hovers near the towel rack trying very hard not to act like he’s hovering. There’s definitely no dignified way to then set those tests on the counter and become immediately, irrationally convinced that if I breathe too hard I’ll alter the result.

Micah caps the last one for me and lines all three up on the counter.

Now we wait.

“How long?” I ask.

“Three minutes.”

“Three minutes is an act of terrorism.”

He checks the instruction sheets. “Digital says up to five.”

“It’s four minutes if you stare at it,” I mutter.

Micah smiles despite the tension. “That is not how time works.”

“Prove it.”

He leans against the counter beside me, close enough that our arms touch. I cross mine over my stomach and immediately uncross them because that feels weirdly loaded now. Everything feels loaded now. My own body feels like suspicious luggage.

The bathroom is too small for this kind of existential crisis.

The cabin plumbing ticks in the walls. Someone out in the kitchen drops something metal, and Milo says, “I meant to do that,” in a voice pitched loud enough to carry through the door. Holden says something too low to make out. Knox’s footsteps pass once in the hall, heavy and measured, then stop. He’s probably standing guard outside the bathroom like I’m in labor instead of waiting on a plastic stick.

I stare at the tests.

Nothing yet.

Still nothing.

I hate them.

“Say something distracting,” I tell Micah.

“Eli is going to be unbearable.”

“I need you to be more specific.”

“If this is positive, we’ll have a nursery reading list before lunch. He’ll start arguing about the illustrations.”

“That bear should be wearing a seatbelt.”

“Exactly.”

I laugh, then press my lips together because my chin has started wobbling.