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For several heartbeats I sat there on the cold concrete staring at his body, but the trembling in my limbs got worse, not better, until it felt like I was shaking from the tip of my toes to the end of my hair. I wrapped my arms around my knees and tried to get a grip, but it didn't seem to help. Coldness swept me - a coldness that had nothing to do with souls and everything to do with death.
And not just this death, but all deaths. The ones in the past and the ones in the future. The ones that had stained my soul and the ones that would.
I can't do this any longer.
I didn't want to do this any longer.
But short of death, I couldn't see a way out. I needed someone to talk to, someone who would understand ...
I'm here. Like a cool, calming breeze, Quinn's thoughts poured into mine, instantly stemming the rising tide of panic. Talk to me.
I couldn't. The words wouldn't form. I just wanted him here in the flesh, wanted him to wrap his arms around me and tell me it would be all right. That in the end, fate's fickle finger would start pointing at someone else, and my life would become sane again.
His warmth and love flooded down the link, battering away the doubts, the fear.
My thoughts unfroze. Panic subsided.
Sorry, I said eventually. I didn't mean to disturb you like that.
Sweetheart, you can disturb me anytime, anywhere, for any reason. He paused, and I felt the wash of his concern. What happened?
I killed a suspect.
Not without reason.
No.
Then you were doing your job - nothing more, nothing less.
I know, but -
Stop beating yourself up, Riley. His voice came, soft but firm. The only person you need to worry about at the moment is yourself. I can take care of everything else - even if that means getting you away from the Directorate.
I smiled. It was very nice being loved by this man.
But was I ready for him to go to war for me? Because that's what it would take to get me away from the Directorate. Jack was a great boss and a fair vampire, but he was still a Directorate man and he'd worked for a long time to get me where I was today. He wouldn't release me easily.
And while I didn't think Jack would resort to violence to keep me - especially against a vampire who was older and stronger - Jack wasn't the sum of the Directorate. His sister was - and she was both older and stronger than Quinn. I had no idea just what she was capable of.
I wasn't about to risk putting Quinn in harm's way. I'd already lost my soul mate. I wasn't about to lose my heart, as well.
But there was also the larger problem of the drug in my system. Quinn might own pharmaceutical companies, but they weren't set up to monitor me like the Directorate was. Until we knew the direction of those changes, I was basically stuck.
Riley, he said softly, if you want out, I'll make it happen.
I know. And that's what worried me. But it's not that simple.
It can be.
I rubbed a hand across my eyes. Maybe it could. Maybe if I gave up fear and simply trusted, it would all fall in place.
But I couldn't. Not yet.
Not when everything was still so raw and fresh.
I think I just need time, I said softly. Time to understand what I really want.
Time to gain the courage to go after it.
