Page 32 of A Countess of Convenience

Pulling back from her, John began to doff his jacket.

Judith rose, panting, her eyes glazed with passion. She leaned over and grasped the ends of her nightgown in a motion he knew well. His wife would do the same thing in order to remove the garment over her head.

But Judith was not his wife. Good lord, were they really about to abandon themselves to this unexpected passion?

“Judith, wait.”

She looked at him, puzzled. “What?” She’d pulled her gown up so it rode about mid-thigh. Another inch or so and he doubted he’d care if they stopped or not.

“This may not be the best idea.”

Her face remained immobile, but the hurt in her eyes smote him. She dropped the gown and the temptation to scoop her up and bear her to the bed lessened. “Why do you say that?”

With a shuddering sigh, John wiped his hand down his sweating face. “You know why. We have talked about it before.” He motioned her back to the chairs—he dared not touch her or all would be lost. “Here, come sit by the fire.”

She stalked to the nearest chair, a small-framed lady’s chair with gold upholstery, and flopped down onto it.

That she was angry did not surprise him. He was raging too at being denied that ultimate pleasure. But they had to be cautious. Settling in the larger blue jacquard chair, John waited until he’d gotten his breathing under control. His heart was pumping like he’d run a race. “We were on a precipice from which if we’d leaped, we could not return.”

“I am a widow, John, not a young miss just out of the schoolroom. I have no virginity to lose.”

“But you do have virtue that may be as easily lost. Had we succumbed to our passion just now, we would much more likely have been forced to wed.” That would have posed no problem at all for him. He’d marry her tomorrow if given the chance. But he doubted she felt the same, even now.

“My being here with you alone is enough to do that, isn’t it?” Her voice sounded petulant, but then she’d been rudely jerked from the throes of their mutual lust. That tended to make a person peevish.

“Actually, your status as widow makes it less likely. As you say, you have no virginity to lose, so no one could say what happened here unless we ourselves tell them.” Society’s rules often had little rhyme or reason.

“Then why couldn’t we—”

“Because if we did, and you began increasing, we would have to marry. And then all the scandalous talk would commence.” Society could be cruel and unforgiving. He’d not have them turn on Judith.

Dejected, she sat with her head drooping. “It’s just that I miss…” Her words trailed off in a whisper.

“What, my dear?” He leaned closer to try to catch her words.

“I miss…being intimate.”

As did he. “I completely understand, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. You and your husband led a full life together and the pleasures of the marriage bed are one of the greatest benefits of a union. I too miss that joy.”

She shook her head, her countenance still sad. “Not only…that aspect, John, but the day-to-day routines. The happiness of knowing you will see a person every day, talk to them, joke with them.” A fleeting smile. “Tease them.”

Her marriage had been a good one, then. At least until the last year, he assumed. He wasn’t certain if he was glad she’d had those moments with Harper, or jealous he might never share that with her. Both, he suspected. “I only hope you will know such love again, Judith. I wish it for myself as well.” He must be honest—with himself and her. “Which is why we should not give in to our instincts as we almost did tonight. I wish to marry again, but not simply to secure an heir, although that is a primary consideration. But I want, have always wanted, to marry a woman I will love and who will love me in return.” She raised an eyebrow, and he shrugged. “I know it is not the fashionable way, but I know many gentlemen who have acquired a ‘love match’ and they seem the most content of all my acquaintances.”

“Was your first marriage a love match?” Judith tilted her head, regarding him intently.

“I have to admit, it was not.” He wondered if she’d known that all along. “We were content together, but I married her for convenience.” He’d never admitted that to anyone else. Hardly ever to himself. “I needed an heir, and she was willing to marry me. But it was not a love match, on either of our parts.”

“How could she not love you, John?” The realization of her words hit a split second after her question for her eyes widened and she ducked her head.

“I doubt there are many women who would admit to doing so.” He looked away from her. “I tend to be aloof, I am a stickler for too many things to name, I am methodical to a fault.”

“You have admitted nothing that should give any woman with a grain of sense pause.” Judith grabbed his hands and he turned back to her. “I have only known you to be amiable, kind, gentle, hard-working, and compassionate.” She swallowed hard. “Any woman should consider herself lucky to be your wife.”

“In truth, Judith?” He gazed at her intently. Had a shift in her affections occurred?

“In truth, John.” She rose, bringing him to his feet at once. “I think it best I go now. We do need to leave early. We need our rest.”

“You are correct in that.” Not that he’d sleep a wink with this conversation playing over and over in his head.