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I can't trust you because I might find I love you. And I don't want you to die. “I don't want eternity, Michael. I don't want to live with the fear that one day you will turn on me." His breath hissed through clenched teeth. “If you think me such a monster, then kill me. Take the knife from your boot and stab it through my heart. It will end my life and revert yours back to normal." She stared at him, appalled he could think her capable of such a brutal act.
"Why not? You're doing a damn fine job of it as it is. Why not finish it?” His grip on her arms tightened, bruising her. “But maybe you're happier wrapped in a cocoon of ice. Maybe I was a fool to think otherwise."
"Maybe you are,” she muttered.
He let her go suddenly and thrust a hand through his hair. “Christ, I don't even know why I'm bothering." He turned and walked to the other side of the room. It was a distancing that was mental as much as it was physical. And though this was what she had wanted, it still tore at her.
"What are we going to do then?” he asked after a moment. Arms crossed, he leaned against the wall, his face impassive, distant. As cold as when they'd first met.
She studied him. Anger she could cope with. Frustration and bitterness she could understand. But this?
“About what?"
"You and me, Nikki. What else are we talking about?” His voice was lifeless, his thoughts a vast desert. She met his gaze, uncertain what he wanted from her. He'd stated his intention of leaving so very clearly, and so often, she had no doubt that he would. And yet he obviously needed—or wanted—something from her. “There is no you and me. You said that yourself." He simply stared at her. She shuffled her feet like some errant child and finally looked away. Because, deep down, she knew. He wanted her to confront what she felt, and that was the one course she could not take. Because she was a coward, and because her love had always signaled death. Vampire or not, he could die.
Better to live a lifetime alone than face the weight of one more death on her conscience. Only now, it wasn't just one lifetime she had to face, was it?
"I don't know what else you want me to say, Michael."
"And therein lies our problem.” He pushed away from the wall. “Perhaps the fault is mine. Perhaps I simply expect too much."
She stared at him. Did he want a lie? How could she admit to loving him when she wasn't sure?
And what good would it do, when he intended to leave anyway?
She blinked back sudden tears. Once she had told such a lie. It had led her and Tommy down a path to destruction. His life had slipped as quickly through her fingers as his blood, and she'd vowed never, ever to again admit to feelings she wasn't sure about.
"I'm not Tommy, Nikki. I'm not your damn parents or anyone else. I'm me. And I just want you to admit the truth, if only to yourself."
I can't. Don't you understand that? I can't!
"Then I truly must go."
She was losing him. Fear squeezed her heart tight, almost suffocating her. Afraid to love him, yet afraid to lose him. What a laugh.
"Perhaps this time is wrong for us,” he said, dark eyes gentle. “Perhaps this was a fire always destined to flare brightly and die."
No, she wanted to say, no. But she held the words in check. He has to leave. He can't stay. The statement ran through her mind, over and over, as he turned and walked to the door.
"Don't,” she whispered, as he reached out to grab the door handle. He glanced back at her. “Jasper won't come near you again. I vowed that, and I meant it." She wasn't afraid of Jasper right now. She was afraid that Michael would walk out the door and she'd never see him again.
Wasn't that what she wanted?
"Bye, Nikki.” He turned and left. The door slammed shut behind him, rattling the display case in the living room. A crystal vase rocked and fell to the floor.
The sound of it smashing was the sound of her heart.
Chapter Seventeen
The silence drove her crazy. Nikki prowled through the house, trying to find something, anything, to do. Now that she had the time to think, it was the one thing she was desperate to avoid. Michael had walked out the door, probably forever. And she couldn't help the notion that, in a lifetime filled with mistakes, she'd just made her biggest.
But I want to be alone. I don't want to share my life with anyone, don't want to share my heart... But did she really want to spend eternity alone?
The answer to that was simple. She didn't really want to spend this lifetime alone, not to mention the next three or four.
But what other choice did she have?
She stopped in front of the window and stared out blindly. Jasper's whispers ran laughingly through her mind, touching her soul with his darkness. His presence grew stronger. One day soon he would call to her, and she would have no choice but to obey.
