Page 140 of How To Not Need You

Not that I thought Jake had betrayed me.

That even when I thought he had, some stupid part of me was still desperately hoping he hadn't.

“I wanted an explanation,” I say. “That’s the really fucked-up part.”

Jake frowns. “Why is that fucked up?”

“Because I wanted you to be innocent.”

“Liv.”

“No, you asked.” I pick at the peeling paint again. At this rate, his verandah is going to need repainting by the time we're done. “I was sitting in my car completely convinced you’d done exactly what I’ve spent years making sure nobody could ever do to me again, and I still wanted you to call. I wanted some stupid, boring explanation that made the whole thing go away.”

A broken hot water system. Apparently the universe has a sense of humour.

“I wanted to believe you,” I say. “And that scared the shit out of me.”

Jake stays quiet.

“Because that’s the whole point, right? I’m not supposed to do this anymore.” I wave a hand vaguely between us. “This. Whatever this is.”

“Six months and we're still calling it whatever this is?”

“Not the time, Reid.”

“Sorry.” He smile suggest he isn't sorry at all.

“I spent years making sure nobody could get that close again. I have rules.”

“You do love rules.”

I glare at him.

“Sorry. Again.”

“And boundaries. Very good boundaries.”

“Some might say walls.”

I huff in aggravation. “Would you like me to leave?”

“No.” The word comes out immediately. Too fast. Jake doesn't smile now though.

Thank fuck.

I look back at my hands. “That’s the problem.”

“What is?”

“I don't want you to leave.”

There. Horrifying. I wait for him to say something reassuring. Something about how everything is going to be fine now, because apparently that's what people do when someone finally cracks open their ribcage and starts handing over the contents.

Jake doesn't do that. Instead, he says, “Liv, I can't promise I'll never hurt you.”

My head comes up. “Wow.”

“Let me finish.”