Page 150 of How To Not Need You

“Also no.”

His face starts doing the thing again.

“You can hold the steering wheel.” Apparently this is acceptable. He launches both arms around my neck and nearly head butts me in the process.

I carry him around to the cab and lift him into the driver's seat. His legs stick straight out in front of him and he immediately grabs the wheel with both hands.

“I DRIVE!”

“We’re parked.”

“I DRIVE FAST!”

“Still parked.”

Elsie finally catches up with us, slightly breathless. “I am so sorry.”

“He's fine.”

“He saw the truck when we arrived and has been planning his escape ever since.”

“Good to know we're dealing with premeditation.”

“He has learned from Noah.”

“I heard that,” Noah calls from somewhere behind her.

“You were supposed to.”

Milo starts making engine noises at a volume I wouldn't have thought physically possible from someone that small.

“Good luck,” Elsie says. Then she walks away. I look at Milo.

Milo looks at me. “MUMMY GONE.”

“Yeah. I noticed.”

Fantastic.

Wren passes the front of the engine with Popcorn perched on her shoulder. The rainbow macaw has spent most of the afternoon contributing absolutely nothing useful to proceedings except profanity.

“Asshole!” he announces. Milo gasps. I close my eyes.

“ASSHOLE!” He mimics.

“Nope.”

“ASSHOLE!”

“Your mum will be mad.”

Wren keeps walking but turns to shout an apology over her shoulder.“Sorry!”

“You don't sound sorry.”

“I've been apologising for him for six years. I've lost my enthusiasm for it.” Popcorn turns his head towards Milo.

“You're an idiot!” Milo looks delighted. Great. I've had him for two minutes and he's already learned two new words. Elsie is going to kill me.