Page 68 of How To Not Need You

Liv doesn’t answer. She looks from me to her wine, then back to me, and something in her eyes seems different. Like a door that was shut for years has started to reopen.

She takes another sip before setting the glass down and turning back to me.

“Do you still love her?” The words are even quieter than before. She seems afraid of the answer. I turn until our knees are touching and pick up both of her hands. making sure that she is looking at me in the eyes.

“Not like before.”

She tilts her head in confusion. “What?”

I can’t help the small laugh that escapes me at that. Liv tries to pull her hands from mine but i just hold them still before pushing on.

“I love her as the mother to my daughter. As the person that gave me Tilly.” I pause slightly. “But I don’t love her like the person I want to spend my life with.”

Liv removes one hand from mine and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I think.” She takes a deep breath and looks at me. She has a slight sheen to her eyes and for a moment I am terrified that I said the wrong thing. “I think that I am ok with that.”

She turns away and stares at the blank television. “I am grateful that you have Tilly. And I will work on accepting that you still care for her. Just…”

I don’t rush her, I simply move my hand onto her knee and draw light circles. Her eyes are drawn down to it as she whispers, “Just be patient with me please.”

My heart aches at the thought of hurting this amazing woman. I move my arm to wrap around her shoulders and pull her closer to me until her head rests on my shoulder.

“Always darling.” I answer. And it’s the truth, I would wait the rest of my life to make sure that Liv knew how much she meant to me already. “I have to ask you a question of my own though.”

I feel her whole body tense and decide to rip the band aid off.

“You seem to think most relationships end one way. Which makes me wonder… has anyone ever cheated on you?”

Liv laughs. It’s a short, dry sound with no humour in it whatsoever. She looks at the ceiling, then back at me, and something in her expression has gone flat, like she’s decided that if we’re doing this, she’s got to hide that vulnerable part that she showed before.

“The serious one did.” Something in her expression shuts down.

“I was twenty-two. Thought I was going to spend my life with him. Then I found out I wasn’t the only person he was sleeping with.”

She picks at a loose thread on the blanket. “After that, I got very good at leaving before anyone had the chance to do it again.”

I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t think there is anything that I can say to take away the pain. To let her know that that idiot was just that, an idiot. My brain runs through options so fast that I struggle to hold onto one to try and help.

Then I pull her even closer. I feel her sigh against me and relax slightly. I reach for her hand where it rests on her lap. Her fingers are cool. I wrap mine around them, and she lets me. Doesn’t pull away and just lets her hand fit inside mine. The trust in that simple act feels more significant than any declaration.

I whisper her name. “Liv.”

She looks at me again. Her eyes are darker in this light, the green almost swallowed by the pupil, and there’s something in them I haven’t seen before, something that seems far too close to fear.

“I would never do that to you.” The words come out slightly pained.

Liv doesn’t answer right away. She holds my gaze, and I watch her search my face the way she’s been searching it since the day we met.

Then, quietly, “Everyone says that.”

I nod. “You’re right.”

The admission catches her off guard. Her eyebrows lift, just slightly, and I can see the surprise. She was prepared for defensiveness. For me to insist I’m different, that I am the exception to every rule she’s ever learned. Instead, I’ve agreed with her, and somehow that’s disarmed her more than any argument could have.

Keeping my voice steady I continue on. “So don’t believe me because I said it.”

She looks at me.