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"I have spent too many years in darkness. I don't want to bring that into what we have."
"All we have is great sex,” she shot back. “And you know what? It's a good foundation, but it's not enough to build a lasting relationship on. That takes trust, honesty and a willingness to compromise occasionally."
"So you're saying you don't trust me?"
"No, I'm saying you don't trust me . Nor are you honest with me. Not completely, not ever. And just where in hell have you met me halfway of late?"
"Just where in the hell have you met me halfway? This is a two-way street, Nikki. You can't keep demanding I consider your wants if you're not willing to do the same." She studied him for a moment, then looked away. “You know, Jake said much the same thing to me this afternoon."
Michael raised an eyebrow. That was surprising, given Jake was fiercely protective of Nikki. The two were more like father and daughter than boss and employee.
"And?"
"And you're both right. To a degree, I am being unreasonable. But so are you." Which put them right back to square one. They were arguing in circles and getting nowhere. “Nikki—" She held up her hand. “For once, will you just shut up and listen to me?" He downed his drink and slammed the empty glass down on the nearby shelf. “Why should I, when you refuse to offer me the same courtesy?"
"I've heard all your arguments!” Anger sparked her eyes, roughened her voice. “That's all I ever hear whenever I bring this subject up. ‘What I do is too dangerous', or, ‘I don't want the darkness in my life to touch you', et cetera, et cetera. Well, guess what? The darkness is not just something you do, it's a part of who you are."
"A part that nearly killed you not so long ago.” And the nightmare of waking with her blood on his lips and her close to death was not something he wanted to relive.
"But—"
"No buts, Nikki.” He was as aware of her fury as he was his own, despite the fact the link was still shut down tight. “You asked me to compromise? Fine. I will. Ask anything you like about Seline, the Circle, or my past, and I'll answer you. Just don't ask to accompany me on missions, because the answer is still no. It's far too dangerous for both of us.” If only because worry about her safety would take his attention from what he was supposed to do and possibly lead to mistakes. Or death.
"Damn it, I know I could never go on all your missions, but surely there are some—"
"There are none. Jasper is the least of the fiends that I have hunted, believe me."
"But I found Jasper and Cordell all by myself. Keeping me locked away from what you do is no guarantee that I'll keep safe."
"Maybe. But the chances of you remaining safe are a lot higher." She considered him for a moment. Something in her amber gaze sent a shiver through his soul. If he wasn't very careful, she'd walk away. The resolution was there in her eyes. "So, when you told me yesterday you'd consider the matter, it was nothing more than another lie,” she said softly.
"No, it wasn't. I did consider. I just didn't change my mind."
"So how is a willingness to share some of your history with me compromising? I thought that was something all couples did."
"Perhaps it is. Remember, I've never been part of a couple before."
"I was. You know, for all that Tommy tried to control my abilities—and by default, me—he let me in. I knew Tommy. Knew everything there was to know about him. There were no secrets between us." Her voice was still remote, flat. The chill running through him intensified. It wasn't supposed to be going like this. For the first time in his life, it felt like he was on a train running full bore out of control, and he didn't like the sensation one bit. “Tommy was only sixteen. He didn't have many years behind him to gather secrets."
"But he'd lived on the streets since he was eight. He'd seen the worst life could throw at someone that young. He was a thief, a prostitute, and in the end, a murderer. Yet he wasn't afraid to let me see the darkness in his soul. Why are you?"
"Right now, it's not the darkness in me that I fear might hurt you. It's the darkness in others.” Though that in itself wasn't entirely the truth. He would always fear the darkness in him. He knew what it— he—was capable of doing when that darkness was allowed free rein.
"I know that.” She hesitated, taking a sip of her drink. “And I've considered what I'd be stepping into, as you asked me to. I've thought about Jasper and Cordell and Farmer." The link between them was still shut, leaving him with no avenue to judge her thoughts beyond her expression, body language and the odd flicker of emotion that swirled between them. And those three things were scaring the hell out of him.
"And it strikes me that maybe I have something to offer this Circle of yours,” she continued softly. “You defeated Jasper and Cordell with my help, remember. You certainly wouldn't have found Dale or Anne Harris alive had it not been for my gifts. In cases like this, where there are lives at risk, I can help you." Yes, she could. There was no doubt about that. But the risks she'd be facing were enormous, and there was no way on Earth he'd place her safety on the line to save the life of another.
"Nikki, I love you—"
"That's not the damn point! I'm tired of only being told half-truths. I'm tired of having to fight for every bit of information about Seline and the Circle. But most of all, I'm tired of only being part-time."
"You're not—"
She made a chopping motion with her hand, spilling soda again. “I am. In the four months we've been living together, you've been away nearly two of those months. And half that time, you couldn't even remain in contact with me."
"You knew from the start that was a possibility."
She acknowledged his words with a nod. “What I didn't know was just how much I'd wanted a relationship like the one my parents had. They were equals in every sense of the word. All risks, all decisions, were shared. Granted, the risks in our case are way higher, but the fact is, we haven't got that sort of relationship, Michael. You order, I do. No discussion, end of story.” She hesitated and took a deep breath. “Well, it will be the end of the story, unless you're willing to change your stance a little." He stared at her. He couldn't do anything else when it felt like a fist of ice had formed around his heart and squeezed it tight. “That's blackmail.” Emotional blackmail.
