Page 257 of Commanding Blood And Bonds

And worse.

Worse, because I’d only intended to implicate Reagan in both my prior and current recruitment—so that she alone would face the hierarchy’s scrutiny.

Better, because the Accords had changed in the decades I’d missed, and there was a high probability Cyrus had just saved my mission by condemning Calypso alongside me should I fail. It was only the fact that he’d spoken and acted for me—without even asking—that had temper poisoning the gesture. Not that I could claim I’d have thought of a better solution that quickly. He’d reacted fast after I’d unintentionally backed him into a corner.

Gratitude. Anger. Terror. Resentment. Endearment. Each emotion took a swing at me like a bat to a piñata, and I knew it was only a matter of time before the mess inside came spilling out across the carpet.

Emotions always sent everything sideways. They had no place in strategy or war—and yet I was drowning in them as I tried to process what I’d missed and what was still left to do.

The truth was, war was coming. And I needed Cyrus’s army at my back when it did.

Reagan couldn’t be allowed to lead the continent’s largest legion of shadows into the next era. Alvara had tried her best with Pinebarrow and Carroway, but both had overseas territories to protect. We had Bellaton, yes—and their blades were sharp—but they had half the shadow walkers. Knowing Adrastos thrived in the dark realm made my personal vendetta feel practically strategic. And if Ally and August’s source was right, The Six would likely back Adrastos—all except for the Necromancers and Hazelharbor, who’d become a target the second they stood against the majority.

No. I couldn’t afford to feel. Couldn’t afford to navigate from this place of panic and fractured loyalties.

Cyrus would probably hate me when the truth came out—bond or no bond. That thing between us had already bent the truth, already kept one or both of us from striking when we should have. His hesitation in Uptown. Mine in those rafters. Even as kids, we’d instinctively protected each other from opposite sides of the war.

I felt his gaze on my profile like a strike of heat against my skin.

Was there chemistry between us? Undeniably.

But that didn’t erase the mission. It didn’t change the fact that the war ahead would take more than either of us was ready to give. Adding another vulnerability to the list would be unspeakably foolish.

Straightening, I said, “Okay. Thank you. For everything. You’ve shown me more kindness than I deserve. But…I need to go home, Cyrus. We both have a lot to process.”

“As our fates are now permanently interwoven,” he said evenly, “don’t you think that’s something we might wanna do together?”

“Why? It’s not like you signed up to be shackled to me any more than I did you. Unless you’ve got some record in one of those books of yours proving this is reversible, I’m not sure there’s much left to discuss.”

His jaw flexed, those bright hazels sparking with something untenable, and I braced for the backlash.

“You think I wanted this?” His laugh was humorless, a rough scrape through his chest. “Believe me—if there’d been a way out, I’d have taken it before you even opened your eyes. But there’s not. And even if there was…with everything you did to earn your place here, you’re telling me you’d take it?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t I? You’re telling me you’re not replicating your trials from your time as Valora?”

“I never said I wanted to complete the Crucible.”

“And your deflection was answer enough.” He crossed one arm under the other, elbow raised so his knuckles rested against his mouth—a posture I’d started to recognize as his thinking stance. “I think you will finish this. Whatever this is. And at least now, Cali and I paved the path for you to do it well.”

“You have no idea what you just did.”

“Then tell me.”

I was already shaking my head, eyes on the mouth I hadn’t stopped thinking about since he kissed me. “Believe me—plausible deniability is your friend right now.”

“It would be. If this were about human authorities.” He leaned forward slightly. “But you’re stepping onto the territory of the Queen of Paladin. So hear me: leaving me in the dark does nothing to protect either of us. I’ve claimed you publicly as my mate. That makes you mine to protect.”

I tried to soften my voice, my expression, my tone along with it, but some bitter concoction of fear and frustration laced every word. “Ahh, but see…you can’t protect me from this.”

“You’re right. If you declare your petition publicly, you’re bound to face the final step.”

“The duel.”

“And I can’t interfere once you do.”

“I’m already obligated to finish.”