Page 50 of See Through

“He’s proud of you. He used to talk about you all the time.”

“Really?” I turn to look at my parents, and they’re both nodding.

“My twins. My children. You two were inseparable from birth.”

Her words come out strained, and I feel like, for a while, I had focused too long on the fact that they weren’t supporting my dreams, and I forgot they were grieving too. I had lost my brother. They had lost a child. I think we all collectively forgot we were grieving the same person, and, somewhere along the way, we forgot how to talk to each other because there were no words we could say to ease the ache.

We had all lost someone, and there was nothing any of us could say to each other, so we drifted apart instead. In hindsight, I regret it. I regret not being there as much as I should have been. It was just difficult going back to that house. Then I had school and a part-time job to think about. Life kept going, even though I wasn’t ready. I had to keep going, keep staring ahead, keep telling people I was fine even though a piece of me had died.

“I miss him a lot.” Tears are steadily streaming down my face, and I can’t hold them back anymore. “I don’t really know who I am in the world without him. I can’t wrap my mind around why this happened, and it’s been years.”

“Neither can I.” My mom joins me kneeling in the dirt. “We had this plot bought for Grandma and Grandpa. Never in a million years did we think we would watch Adrian get buried before any of us. It shouldn’t be allowed—parents burying a child.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you guys. I’m sorry there was all this space between us since he died. I-I just couldn’t speak about it. I couldn’t think of what to say. What do you say? Nothing helps.”

My dad’s hand meets my shoulder as I feel Dean’s presence getting closer to us again.

“Maybe we start with the easiest question.” My dad’s voice sounds tight with emotion too. He always was a crier. “How are you feeling?”

“Shitty, and I’m not sorry for the language.”

That causes them both to laugh. “We feel shitty too. All the time.”

“But there are some good moments where things feel how they used to,” my father reiterates as he pats my brother’s headstone. “Life isn’t the same without you, bud.”

“He was my best friend,” I whisper as Dean joins us on the grass. His hand trails up and down my back, reminding me he’s here. “He always wanted to create our own ghost hunting company, just like those guys we used to watch on television. I told him maybe in the future, when we both had stable jobs to fulfill that dream. Now, I have one without him. It’s all wrong. I wish I could have that back—daydreaming about our futures together.”

“He’s so proud of you, Aubs,” Dean whispers to me. “He would have wanted this for you.”

“But I wanted it with him.”

“I know, baby.”

“I know we haven’t been the best at supporting you through this.” My mom uses my dad’s sleeve to wipe her tears, and he lets her. “But we are really proud of you. I think we’ve just had a hard time showing that. We worry about you, darling, that’s all. I worry if things start to take a dive online, you’ll have nothing to fall back on. I don’t want you to stress about your life after all you’ve been through. I want life to be kind to you, but it doesn’t always work like that.”

“I know. Can I be honest?”

“Always,” my dad whispers.

“I get scared sometimes too. I worry all this success will go away, but I’m doing this for Adrian. I’m doing this to fulfill the dreams we had as kids when we would sneak around the funeral home and—” I stop, because Adrian and I never told them. I had never seen Dad’s face so red in my entire life, and the vein on my mom’s forehead was ready to pop.

“There are some very dangerous chemicals down there. Combined with all the tools, it is not safe for you two to be down there!”

I can still remember what Adrian said to her in the most serious tone. “But Mom, the door opened itself, and there was a really weird noise that came from inside! We had to investigate!”

She didn’t believe us, and since we both started laughing, she grounded us even worse.

Totally worth it, though, and we got better at hiding when we were investigating the house. We got quieter and better equipped for it. I remember our dad got us a better video camera that Christmas, despite my mom’s pushback. Adrian was always the cameraman, and I always followed the noises.

“Oh, honey, we knew what you guys were doing.”

“How?” I can’t stop my giggle.

“We had cameras hidden all over the funeral home after that. We watched them all the time, just to make sure you guys were being safe. Your father convinced me it was harmless fun.”

“Yes, but our house was totally haunted. We just didn’t have great conclusive evidence back then.”

“I would say we do now,” Dean mumbles. “I wanted to ask if you had any idea who those other voices might have been that night.”