Page 25 of The Monster I Am

Elizabeth considered his words silently, her expression not giving anything away. “That is the story,” she said after a few moments. “But that does not strike me as the whole story. Tell me what’s underneath it.”

Rhys should’ve expected as much. Maybe he had, because he wasn’t surprised. “I may have become a liability rather than an asset,” he said bluntly. “I have either earned my way deeper into Dominic Bancroft’s inner circle or have earned his suspicion. What do you want from me, Elizabeth?

“Do you want to hear about what I did to Jared? Because I can tell you, but I suspect Aidan has already filled you in. I lost control. I took what wasn’t mine to take, and I told myself I had good reasons. Maybe I even did, especially if it turns out that Jared is a spy. Regardless, I gave in to temptation with a beautiful masochist who cannot consent. I’ve become the monster I thought I was only pretending to be. I accept your judgement.”

Elizabeth studied him for several more moments before sighing. “I know monsters, Rhys. I’ve grown up with them. You are not one. Tell me more about Jared.”

You are not one.

Rhys begged to differ. Maybe he’d nearly gotten ill when Alastair had begun to cut that slave apart, but he’d also raped and tortured his own. Multiple times. And he justified it to himself every which way he could.

“He’s quiet, intelligent, and obedient,” he said slowly. “He can’t cook, but he tries. He’s…” He made a frustrated sound.

Those things didn’t matter, not anymore. They weren’t what Elizabeth was asking, anyway; why did they seem important to him?

“He was in the slums until a few weeks ago, when Russell yanked him out and brought him to the party circuit. He was going to die, Elizabeth. And I know I can’t save them all. Fuck, I can’t save any of them. But I thought…” Rhys closed his eyes. “I raped him. Tortured him. Made him come on my cock. Told myself that it was better than the alternative. I enjoyed every second of it.” He opened his eyes, meeting her gaze. “Can you truly look me in the eyes and say that I’m not a monster?”

“There is an old saying,” Elizabeth said. “‘A monster I am, lest a monster, I become.’ Have you heard it before?”

Rhys shook his head. “No.”

Elizabeth nodded. “There are monsters inside us all. Some, perhaps, less eager to emerge than others. We feed them in small doses to keep them sated, to keep them contained, because unleashed, they are driven to excess. We are seeing now — have been seeing for these last ten years — a world where the monsters are unleashed by those who have no desire to contain them. Who revel in their monstrosity. Who have become the monsters they once housed.” The emphasis was apparent. “Feeding our monsters what they need to stay sated does not make us monsters,” she continued. “We give them what they need, so we do not become them.”

It was an absolution that Rhys absolutely did not deserve, but it was one he clung to regardless.

“You have accepted a role which is critically needed,” Elizabeth said. “And one that lures your monster closer to the surface in a world where monstrosity isn’t just encouraged, it’s required. We must have those who can exist within this world until we can change it. You have done exceptional work, and we have accomplished things that would not have been possible without you. I have no reason to believe that that will change now.”

Rhys’s chest tightened, and he swallowed hard. She wasn’t simply saying what he wanted to hear, what he needed to hear. He had found information that had been critical, had headed off disaster, and he was building a network within the framework of the Council. He knew those things. He knew that they would not be possible if he didn’t function in that world.

But it was so difficult for him to accept.

“Sacrifices have to be made,” he summarized.

“Sacrifices have to be made,” she agreed.

Elizabeth was nothing if not pragmatic. Maybe he should’ve expected that she wouldn’t have castigated him for taking advantage of Jared.

“The fact that he enjoys more than endures what I do is simply a lucky accident,” Rhys said, his voice strange to his ears. “Assuming he isn’t a liability in and of himself… I would like to keep him.”

Elizabeth nodded. “Lucky and fortuitous,” she agreed. “Assuming he is as he seems, that would be the preferred course of action, both for appearances’ sake,” she gave him a shrewd look, “and because I suspect he would be good for you.”

Rhys blinked at her. Maybe he had expected her to agree with him on a strictly business sense, but beyond that? “What?”

“We must feed our monsters, Rhys. You more so than most. If he takes pleasure in it, that will help with the guilt.”

The guilt, and the nightmares — the latter of which had abated since he’d settled in with Jared.

“I understand,” Rhys replied, and he did. “I won’t be needlessly cruel, but appearances… They are a demanding master.” He sighed. “What are your orders? I haven’t received another invitation from Dominic, but he seems to be holding parties less frequently. I could make overtures, under the guise of thanking him for the slave, but I’ll need to take care. He’s as shrewd as you are.”

“Hold off on the overtures just yet. We’ll see how things progress. If he is drawing you into his inner circle, let him. It will put you in further danger, but we cannot miss the opportunity to get closer to him,” Elizabeth said.

“What do you make of what he said?” Rhys asked. “His talk about wastefulness? The fact that he bought Jared instead of allowing him to be devastated by someone who wouldn’t appreciate him? Are things changing, or is he simply not what we think?”

Rhys didn’t know. He’d thought about all of those things a great deal, but he’d come to no conclusions.

Elizabeth steepled her fingers, frowning slightly in thought. “It would fit with some of the ways he has conducted himself in the past,” she said slowly. “It may be that there is more to him than we thought, though we cannot ignore what he has done to Onyx Rayne. We will have to watch and see.”

There was a possibility, however slim, that Onyx Rayne was Dominic’s Jared.