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Gibson sighed. “None of us are invincible. You were surprised and outnumbered. You can’t blame yourself for that. Could’ve happened to anyone. But the difference now is that you do have people who care about you. People who are looking out for you. People you can lean on when you need it. You don’t have to do it all alone. You have a family. Tessa. Kade. Your friends at work and at the Ranch.”
She pressed her lips together, tears burning in her eyes.
“Me . . .” he said softly, adding his name to the list.
A smile touched her lips despite the tears. “Do I, Gib? I don’t think I have you at all.”
His breath coasted over her neck, a world-weary exhale. “You’ve had me from the very start, Sam. From the moment you sent that mischievous smile of yours my way, I was done. It terrifies me. I don’t know how to deal with it. Before you had your nightmare, I was lying here quietly freaking out that you somehow got me to subspace and that there’s video of it. I don’t know how to process what happened tonight or what’s going to happen next. But you have me. Have had me for a long time. I haven’t slept with another woman since I met you, haven’t wanted to.”
Her breath stalled. “You met me almost a year ago.”
“Yeah. Believe me, I know.”
She shifted in his arms, rolling over to face him, shock moving through her. “You’ve played with subs.”
He looked down at her, hair sticking up in odd directions, a chagrined look on his face. “I’ve trained people. No sex. Lots and lots of masturbation, though. Lots.”
She laughed, the sound bursting out of her and easing some of the tightness that had settled in her chest. “You’re more of a masochist than I thought.”
He winced at that.
She pressed her fingers to the lines that appeared in his forehead. “Why do you do that? Why do you get embarrassed over all this? Obviously, I find your masochism about the hottest thing ever. Second only to your submission.”
He let his head fall back to the pillow. “I’m sorry. The response is automatic. As much as I try to separate it, I can’t help but assume I’m like this because of my fucked-up childhood. I crave pain and humiliation. There’s only one person who did that to me in my life.”
She frowned.
“I don’t want my dad’s fingerprints on my life, Sam—especially my sex life. I feel . . . twisted inside. Two things that shouldn’t go together have gotten horribly intertwined.”
“Did you enjoy it when your father abused you? Get sexually excited?”
“What?” He gave her a what-the-fuck look. “Of course not.”
“Then how is that at all tied to your sex life?”
He groaned in frustration. “Because the only way I survived it was to make it a game. If I didn’t break, didn’t cry, didn’t fall apart, I won. I wouldn’t let him beat a reaction out of me.”
Sam’s heart splintered in her chest, imagining the terror Gibson must have endured, imagining the scared little boy he had to have been. How could anyone have looked at those big blue eyes and raised a hand to a child? “And that’s what you do in scenes?”
He rubbed a hand down his face. “Yeah. I need to endure. Like some extreme sport. But somewhere along the way, that pain morphed into something different. Something that makes me crave it. Turns me on. Until someone tries to get in my head, tries to make me surrender. Then I just feel panicky and sick to my stomach. I get the same feeling at the thought of other people knowing I’m this way. It’s like . . . I don’t know, a phobia or something. Like people who are afraid of spiders know the spider can’t do much harm to them but all their terror buttons are set off anyway. It’s not rational, but it’s all-consuming anyway.”
She reached out and squeezed his other hand. “Is that how you felt tonight with me?”
He flopped his head to the side like it was too heavy for him to lift and peered at her. “At first, yeah. But then . . . not.” He frowned. “Tonight was . . . like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I know I went under. And I did panic. First, when you mentioned you were going to film it and then worse when I realized you were going to force an orgasm out of me. But I was so determined not to safe out that you snuck past some barrier and shoved me over the edge before I realized what was happening. Then I was too far gone. I was . . . all feeling and need. I can’t remember every detail. But when I woke up, a lot of it came rushing back.”
“It was a wonderful night, Gib.”
He sighed, the sound full of frustration. “I hear you say that. But lying here, thinking through the things I do remember . . . it’s stirring up that crap again. I don’t want to feel shame, Sam. Especially not with you. But I can’t lie and say that it’s not burning in my gut. I—” He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I rutted like some animal, didn’t have any control over myself. Knowing you have video of it . . . I can’t even think about it.”
She frowned, hating that old demons were so determined to taint things for him. For them. She laced her hand with his. “And even if I thought it was the sexiest, most beautiful thing ever?”
A little smile flickered over his lips, but sadness lingered in his eyes. “I love that. I do. I just wish it were enough. Wish I could feel it for myself. Wish I could feel proud of that surrender instead of embarrassed by my lack of control. In my mind, I lost. You bested me. I’m the loser.”
“You’re never a loser, Gib. Those are your dad’s words talking. I’m supposed to best you in this situation. That’s the fun part. For both of us. You fight. I win. Then we both win. Did you not enjoy it while it was happening?”
“You know I did. I . . . I’ve never come like that in my life. And getting you off after, the way we did it, I . . . well, if I think about it too long, I’m going to get hard again.”
That gave her a dart of hope. “So why fight it so much? What if you were like this all along? What if you would’ve been this way even without your dad?”
