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God, I never want to feel that again.
I never want to be that agitated again. Like I’m losing my grip on reality.
Like Angry Annie.
My vision breaks when I see other staff members pouring into the room, trying to handle the commotion. Suddenly, the row of tables is infiltrated by the navy-blue scrubs. In the middle of all the shouting and chatter, Dr. Blackwood strides over to Angry Annie.
Until then, I’ve been sitting backed up in my seat, my body all tightened up into a ball. As soon as he starts talking to her, my muscles ease up a little. I don’t know why. The more I see his soft lips moving, his jaw working back and forth, the looser I become.
My fists are open. My abdomen isn’t contracted. I’m not a rock anymore.
In the periphery I notice a nurse prepping a syringe, though and I’m panicking again.
Oh no.
No, no, no.
Not the needles. Needles are the worst.
They are the fucking worst.
Before I can think it through, I spring up from my chair. It makes a great shrieking noise against the hardwood floor, shocking me, and apparently, shocking the girls too.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Renn asks, alert.
“I’ve got to stop it. I-I can’t let her get stuck with a needle.”
Vibrating with a huge amount of energy, I’m rounding the chair when Penny speaks up. “Are you insane? Let them do their job, Willow.”
“No.”
“Willow! Get back here!” Penny hisses.
“She’s not an animal. She shouldn’t be made to feel like one,” I snap, breathing hard, my heart drumming inside my chest.
“Willow, stop. She doesn’t need your help.”
I can’t tell if that’s Renn or Penny, but I don’t care. I’m in a trance. A bubble where I can only feel anger and determination.
I have to stop it.
I need to stop it.
I need to stop them from making her feel less than human, a freak. Because that’s how it feels when they restrain you, dig their claws in your skin. They invade your personal space, get so close to you that you can see the pores of their skin, smell their sweat. You can feel the disgusting heat of their body. Their strong fingers. Their mean, ugly faces. You tell them to back off, but they don’t listen. You tell them to let you go, leave you alone, but it hardly registers to them.
You tell them you’re not crazy. You don’t need to calm down. You need to be listened to. You need to be understood.
But they all think they are smarter than you.
My thoughts are frantic, exactly like my breathing, like I’m living this moment of horror right alongside Angry Annie. Like I’m back at the hospital where people – even my mom – didn’t believe me when I told them that The Roof Incident was an accident. Where they stuck me with a needle because they thought I was too agitated, too unhinged.
The big, bad hurricane inside me gets jarred when I crash into someone. It’s Hunter.
“I need you to stay calm, all right?” he tells me with a scratchy voice.
“I need to go save her,” I tell him.
“You don’t need to save her. We’ve got it handled. She’s gonna be fine.” He tries to steer me back to the table.
“No, she’s not gonna be fine. You can’t sedate her. You can’t do this to her, okay?” I push against his hold but damn it, I can’t.
I can’t shake him off.
Tears of frustration well up in my eyes as he tells me that I need to take a calm breath.
I scratch his forearm with my blunt nails. “I don’t need to be calm. I –”
I break off when he looks at me, Dr. Blackwood, from across the distance.
His smooth forehead creases up as he scans my face and I don’t have the energy to put my mask back on. To not show how this is affecting me. Let him analyze it, if he wants. But I can’t let them do this to Angry Annie.
I shake my head once, and then I go rigid and my eyes go wide.
Over Dr. Blackwood’s shoulders, I spy the nurse advancing on Angry Annie with a syringe in her hands. But at the last second, he raises a hand, stopping the nurse.
He stopped the nurse.
He raised a hand and stopped the nurse.
He stopped it.
And just like that, Angry Annie loses some of her fight, and so do I.
I watch as Dr. Blackwood continues talking to her. Those soft, thick lips of his moving. Almost like a lullaby. Like hypnosis. Slowly, all my agitated thoughts evaporate, until I feel a jolt. A shock of some sort.
He’s touching her.
So far, he hadn’t touched her. It was only the techs, but now Dr. Blackwood puts his hand on her shuddering shoulder and bends his head toward her. Angry Annie goes completely lax.
