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I forgot to hide my shoeboxes.
I forgot to put them in a safe place and now my letters are gone.
I kept telling myself that I would. That I would carry them all in my backpack and go across campus and hide them up in the third-floor bathroom or bury them by the gardenias or something.
I mean there are a lot of places where I could have hidden them.
But I didn’t.
“I forgot.”
I hear my own scratchy voice and I think I said it out loud.
But I can’t be sure because things are a little hazy as well as a little loud. There are beeping sounds around me and I think that my eyes are closed too.
When I blink them open, I see a room I’ve never seen before but I immediately know what it is.
That stink of bleach and the white pristine ceiling can only belong to one place. Plus the beeping machine by my head and the drip that hangs by it and is connected to my arm are a clear indication.
I’m in a hospital.
Because they took my letters.
Because I forgot to hide them and they were reading one out loud and I didn’t know how to make them stop.
“Hey, you’re awake.”
It’s Callie.
I turn my head to look at her. “Hey. Yeah.”
She’s sitting on a chair beside my bed and she looks haggard. Her eyes are swollen and there are dark circles under them. Still she’s smiling at me, her elbows on the bed. “How do you feel?”
I blink several times, trying to think.
I even try to move my body but everything feels so heavy and clunky. So lethargic and foggy.
“Dizzy. Lazy.”
She chuckles. “It’s okay. I think you’re just weak. The doctor said that your sugar level was pretty low. And you just needed something to eat. So they gave you that.” She points to the drip bag that’s connected to my arm. “But it’s fine. You’re gonna be fine.”
“What happened… to me?”
She sighs. “You were screaming and running toward Miller. We kept telling you to stop but you wouldn’t listen so that stupid fucking bitch set the guards on you. And you completely…” Her fingers mimic explosion. “Blew up. And then just passed out.”
I blink again, several times actually, as a lump settles itself in my throat. But somehow, I forge on. “What are you doing here?”
“They agreed to let us come see you. Not at first though. But we did some arguing. Plus Principal Carlisle called when she found out that Miller was holding us in her office. She kept us there for hours, interrogating us. Principal Carlisle got really mad about it. Said we should be with you until she gets back from New York. Poe and Wyn are here too, by the way. They’re down at the cafeteria.”
I lick my dry lips. “Thanks for having my back.”
Callie squeezes my arm and I realize I’m in hospital clothes, a yellow paper-type gown. “Are you okay though?”
That lump of emotion gets bigger, clogging my throat again, and all I can do is whisper, “I forgot. To hide them.”
Callie’s eyes tear up. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Salem. I feel like it’s our fault. We asked you to go and –”
Somehow, I get enough energy to put my hand over hers. “No. It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. I should’ve hidden them somewhere and I knew…” I try to swallow again. “I knew I was taking a risk sneaking out. Especially after what happened with Elanor that night and…”
I trail off because suddenly I realize something.
Something that I ignored before in my grief.
The night it snowed and I came back, crying, I stumbled on my soccer shoe.
I know I chalked it up to me being untidy but I specifically remember stowing them under the bed, so when I ask my next question, I already know the answer to it.
“Was it her? Did she tell the warden?”
Callie nods. “Yeah. Just as soon as you left.”
“She knew about the letters, didn’t she?”
“She told the warden about them and all hell broke loose. Miller had every box taken up to her office.” Callie squeezes my arm again. “We tried to stop them, I swear, Salem. God, I can’t believe Miller was being so cruel. She’s such a bitch.”
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s fine. She always hated me. I should’ve hidden them but…” I look up at the ceiling again, my eyes stinging with tears. “I just couldn’t, you know? I couldn’t part with them and that was stupid. But then that’s nothing new, really. I’ve always been stupid.”
Stupid and hopeless and doomed.
That’s what I am and I’ve always known that.
Always.
But I never knew that I’d lose my letters because of it. Because of my stupidity.
I thought they’d always be with me. That I’d always have them by my side.
They’re my love story, see. I thought that as long as I had them, I wouldn’t be lonely. That it wouldn’t matter I don’t have the one thing that I want so badly in my life.
