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His brown eyes stared at me for a long moment as if he was studying me or worse, trying to figure me out. Then Miles shrugged and headed back towards the kitchen. “Don’t stop singing on my account.”
“I was hoping you’d ignore it.”
He barked out a deep laugh that hit me low in the belly even from the kitchen. “Yeah but a true friend would never pass up such a golden opportunity.”
Dammit, he was right about that. We were becoming friends, at the very least. So instead of running from that friendship, I decided to lean into it. “Show me that smile again!” I belted the words out at the top of my lungs and I was rewarded with the loud roar of Miles’ laughter.
He returned with two steaming bowls of soup and a foam container filled with mashed potatoes. “I’m calling shotgun on three bites of potatoes.”
I looked up at him with a grin. “I guess that depends on how good they are,” I told him and skipped over the soup in favor of the potatoes, taking a big mountainous spoonful and shoving it in my mouth. “Not looking good for you, my friend.”
He laughed again and dropped down beside me, his broad shoulder brushing against mine while he moved around until he was comfortable. “I’m not worried.”
“You should be,” I told him and that was the last we said for a long time, sitting side by side laughing at an old sitcom while we ate soup and bread. Like friends. Like good friends.
Good friends who weren’t just friends.
Dammit, Mara.
He words had impacted me too much, made me start to feel things I knew I shouldn’t. Things that would lead to heartbreak. Complications.
Loss.
I blamed the pregnancy hormones.
That was my story and I intended to stick to it with my last dying breath, that would be the story I told myself until it was true.
Until it felt true, anyway.
Miles
“Hey Mom. How’s it going?” I knew this wasn’t just a friendly chat to check in on me, but it was easier to just pretend.
“Miles, it’s so good to hear your voice. I thought you’d call with an answer about your brother’s birthday.” She didn’t think that, but she thought if she kept reminding me he was my brother that would have some kind of effect on me.
“I already gave you my answer, Mom. You just ignored it because you didn’t like the answer.” She was as stubborn as they came, had to be raising two boys, but in this instance I could—and would—be even more stubborn. “How are you, Mom?”
“Fine,” she sighed. “I just wish, well you know what I wish Miles.”
“I’ll come for a visit, soon, but not for Shawn’s birthday. I promise.” It had been a long time since I made my way back to North Carolina and I was due for a visit home. Maybe I’d see if Shannon wanted to come with me, have a weeklong road trip or something.
“If you can come, why not come for this? The whole family could be together for a holiday for once.”
“Because we are not a family, Mom. At least not by my definition of the word. The fact that you don’t understand this, it’s maddening.” She wanted me to be the bigger person and just forgive the betrayal but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I flat out refused to.
“Fine, Miles. Hang on to your anger. Let it fester and turn you angry and bitter.” And there was her famous guilt trip.
“That’s just it, Ma. I’m not angry. As far as I’m concerned, they aren’t just not my family, they don’t exist. Same as if they were dead.” She gasped, shocked at my words, I knew, but maybe now she would see the truth. “Unless you bring them up, I never think about them. Ever. I don’t wonder how he is or how she is, I don’t think about their life together or their kids. They don’t matter to me, Mom. Period.”
Silence filled the distance between us for a long time before she let out one last disappointed sigh. “Okay, Miles. If that’s how you feel, then I have to accept it.”
“Thank you, Mom. Maybe next time when you call, you can tell me about what you and Dad are up to?”
“That sounds nice, son. Love you”
“I love you too, Mom.” The call ended on a good note but I was still riled up, still angry over the fact that I seemed to be the bad guy for not forgiving Shawn when he hadn’t asked to be forgiven.
I was too worked up to sit back at my desk and stare at the screen, so I changed into the STA training gear and hit up one of the obstacle courses Grant had finished recently. We would all test it before the clients came and offer feedback to Grant and for me, today was as good a day as any.
