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“No, that’s not what I think at all Miles, you idiot.” I shook my head and looked out over the scene laid out before me, sunny Los Angeles with a thick layer of smog to add some character to the place. It wasn’t quite as bright and sunshiny as I remembered, it was just another urban jungle. Same as any other anywhere else in the world. “I didn’t know how to tell you because I didn’t want you to feel trapped into a situation you didn’t ask for and probably didn’t want. It was one night, Miles. I didn’t want you to feel obligated because of our friendship.”
“Isn’t that the point of friendship, though? To do what is right for the other person even if you don’t want to, because you know it will matter to them?” I could hear the smile in his voice and dammit, I missed him. I hated the literal and emotional distance between us.
“Not in my experience, it isn’t.”
“Maybe you need a better caliber of friends.”
I smiled at his teasing tone. “Maybe I do. I have one good friend, at least I did. I just hope I didn’t ruin it?” Other than rejecting our baby, it was my biggest fear, that my silence ruined our friendship.
“You’ll have to try a lot harder than that to get rid of me, Shannon.”
“You mean it?” I hated that I sounded so desperate, so hopeful to hang on to Miles, but the truth was being in Los Angeles on my own had given me plenty of time to think about what I wanted, about how I wanted my future to look, and in every version, Miles was there. Front and center.
“I mean it.” There was a long pause and I held my breath until I heard the deep timber of his voice again. “You’re really not worried about the fact that your baby’s father isn’t rich?”
“No, Miles. Not at all. Given my past, it actually works in your favor. But I need you to know that if you don’t want to be involved, I am prepared to do this on my own. Mentally prepared right now, but I’m working on being fully prepared.” It was a bad joke but it was only a half-joke. I was ready for the baby, or at least the idea of a baby and I would return to Pilgrim only when I had a plan to put into action.
“I’m scared as hell about being a dad, Shannon, but the moment I read your words, I felt like I was already a father. It was already real to me. Real and absolutely terrifying.” His words came out soft and sweet, his tone gentle and I could hear the smile in his voice. “I’m scared but I’m ready.”
His words shocked me. I’d hoped he wanted to be involved but I didn’t plan on it and I wasn’t prepared for that reality. “I’m scared too.”
“I’ll be right by your side, Shannon. Every step of the way if you’ll let me. Are you planning to come back to Pilgrim?”
I wanted to say yes, because I was planning to come back, but the words were stuck on my tongue. “I am.”
“Anytime soon?”
I nodded even though Miles couldn’t see me. “I don’t know, Miles. I have a few things to take care of here and then I’ll be back.”
The silence hung heavy between us and I knew that wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear, but I felt too many things to sort them out quickly, and hearing Miles voice on the phone, laughing with him again, only made me more confused. “Well I’d like to talk about us, about the future we could have, but I won’t have this conversation on the phone.”
Us? “There is no us, Miles.”
“Isn’t there? I’ll talk to you soon, Shannon. Call if you need anything, even if it’s just to vent about traffic or your horrible LA friends.”
“I will,” I whispered into the phone. “I promise.”
“Good. I miss you, Shannon.” Before I could tell Miles how much I missed him, he ended the call.
I looked around my condo and wondered when it stopped feeling like home, when had it become nothing more than a residence? The place was spacious and well-lit with sun filtering in through every side, superbly decorated and furnished, bright and modern. It was everything I wanted when I bought it and spent six months doing it up just how I wanted it and now I was unimpressed by it all.
It was time to make a change. A big change.
And that change needed to start here, with my home. The condo was too stark, too white with too many sharp edges and glass items for a baby. this wasn’t the home of a woman who had children in her life, delicate little beings who needed a soft place to fall, a colorful home to make them happy little babies who thrived.
