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17
Abilene
I was still shaking by the time Beau got me back upstairs. As soon as he shut the bedroom door behind us, my hands went to my stomach.
“Are you okay? Is the baby okay?” He immediately began bombarding me with questions.
I held up a hand. “I’m fine. I’m fine. I just…” A shudder ran through my body. “I just need a minute.”
On trembling legs, I made my way to the bed and collapsed down on it.
Beau was immediately at my side, and then his hands were on my body, running up and down my arms, on my stomach, even checking my pulse until I finally shoved him off.
“I said I’m fine!” I shouted.
“Well, forgive me but I just watched you get all but crushed by fucking marbles and goddamned diamonds!”
He stood up and paced back and forth, dragging his hands through his hair. Completely opposite of the stoic, put-together Beau I was used to. It was just as bizarre as seeing him lose it downstairs when he started picking up furniture and frantically bashing it against the glass to get me out had been.
I took a deep breath. “They didn’t crush me. It was horrible. I won’t say it wasn’t horrible. I couldn’t move and there was pressure on all sides pushing in on me and, yes, I started to panic. But just because it felt like I was going to die, I don’t think I actually would have. It was just an absolutely horrible, torturous thing to do to somebody. Like being buried alive, and they made you watch.”
Another shudder wracked its way through my body and Beau stopped pacing, coming back to my side and putting his arms around me. This time not diagnostically. He just held me. He held me until the trembling slowed.
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t get to you faster,” he whispered, and I could hear the anguish in his voice. “I should have done better. If I could have just stayed calm. Or stopped the Trial. You should never have been put in that position in the first place—”
I shook out of his hold so that I could look at his face. “When are you going to get it? This isn’t something that’s all on you. We’re in this together. You did amazing. Way better than anyone could have expected. And you got me out. I was right to trust that you could.”
He started to shake his head, but I grabbed his hand. “Hey. Listen to me. You’re going to make a great father.”
He froze at that, and I could tell my words hit him deep, because he swallowed hard. He was silent a moment, and then he asked, “What if I fuck everything up? What if I screw the kid up beyond all repair?”
I laughed at that. “I’m pretty sure every prospective parent is afraid of that. At least the good ones. You think I’m not afraid of that too? I want so much for this kid.” My hands drifted back to my stomach, and again I blinked at the thought of the little creature growing there and the potential life ahead of them. “I want so much that I didn’t have,” I whispered.
Then my eyes came back to Beau. “Why do you think I did this crazy thing, coming and tracking you down like this? I’m not perfect, obviously, but I’m fierce in wanting the best for this child.”
Beau smiled and reached out a hand. At first, he hesitated, and then he ever-so-gently pushed a lock of hair behind my ear.
I melted into the brush of his fingertips against my cheek.
“Yes, fierce is the right word for you,” he said. He left his hand where it was, cupping my cheek, his eyes piercing mine. “I like what you said about doing this together. Even downstairs, your voice was the only thing keeping me even marginally sane. You’re an amazing woman. What if we…” His voice trailed off and his eyebrows narrowed as if he was thinking deeply about something.
But then the muscles in his forehead eased, as if he’d made some sort of decision. “Maybe we could give this a go in the real world. I’ll do everything in my power to give this baby the best life.” His hand on my cheek flexed ever so slightly. “And to give you the best life.”
My breath caught at his words. “Are you— Do you mean—” But I couldn’t quite finish the thought. It was too fantastic. Too good to be true. Was he saying he’d actually consider being with me?
“I never had a traditional family growing up,” he said.
I shook my head. “I didn’t either.”
“I was so terrified down there. I couldn’t protect you, and it fucking killed me—”
“But you did protect me,” I said in a rush. “You saved me. And we’re so close to the end. It’s just another month now. Less than a month.” And now he was saying that after that month, that we could— That we could really try this… I sucked in a deep breath, still not able to fully let myself believe it.
